I'm planning to take over the world.
You just see if I don't.

I'm going to become a King,
or a Wizard,
or a WizardKing,
or a KingyWizard.

Or
perhaps
maybe a crazy
dancing, freaking,
KizardWingy Dancey Prancey
Footloose romancey chancey, ducky-divey,
Sing-your-mother-into-a-violent-happytrance and
I really must think of a big long line to go here. This one won't do.

No.
It really won't do.
In fact, I'm really quite disapointed
with how this whole stupid piece has turned out.

I'm really thirsty this evening for some reason.
I've already drunk a pint of water,
and I drank a load of water straight from the tap a few times earlier.

But I'm thirsty again!
What's going on?
Where has this thirst come from?
What's happening in my body?

It's ever since I ate my dinner.
2 poached eggs
on buckwheat rice bread
with loads of watercress.

Maybe it's an overdose of sulphur?

No, wait!
I know what it is!

I was eating Spice Roast Chick Peas this afternoon!

Yes!
That's it!

I remember, I felt thirsty after that,
which I quenched
by eating an orange
just before dinner.

Spiced Roast Chick Peas are to blame
for my thirst attack!

TOO MUCH SALT!

My body must be trying to flush it out...

EU Haiku 2

Yes it's really true
The new EU President
Really does write them

EU Haiku

Herman Van Rompuy
The President of Europe
Likes to write haikus

Two additional men have arrived and are now digging up the area in front of my next-door-neighbour's house. The first man (the man who had the gas detecting stick) is stood talking to One Armed Barry who lives the oppsite side of the street.

I'm sorry to tell you that I have in fact died, and I'm now floating around in heaven looking down on you all. You all look very beautiful, especially you. Yes you (YOU).

No, just kidding, I haven't died, and you're all ugly. Apart from you (YOU).

The Gas Expert Man has said "Your house is in the clear, you can stop worrying now and go about your business again..."

He says the gas appears to be coming from the pavement in front of our next-door neighbour's house, and they're actually going to dig up that bit. Shit, Sue's going to have a shock when she gets home from work!

I'm still alive (i.e. I haven't died - yet), and there is now a man with a bright yellow jacket on which says "GAS" on the back. He has a stick which he is waving about all over the place, which makes sounds when it detects gas.

He says it is a bad gas leak, and he says it's got nothing to do with the men installing the new street light nearby this morning (that was my theory).

However, I'm assuming we cannot rule out an explosion at this stage. I'm just hoping one of our neighbours doesn't drive up the road and flick a fag end out of the window.

There was an incident when I was a kid, in a village about 4 miles away, where a policeman who lived there could smell gas in the middle of the night, and he went round and got all his neighbours out of their houses and away from it just in time before there was a huge explosion.

But I'm staying where I am. I've got work to do. Besides which, my room is the opposite end of the house. With any luck, only the other side of the house will get destroyed and I'll have time to jump out the window.

Just to let everyone know, today there is a strong smell of gas outside our house. Our postman (who I don't even know, due to round changes after they closed our local sorting office, the bastards) alerted us to it. We went out and investigated, and there was definately a strong smell around several areas of the pavement in front of our house, near to my parent's camper van.

Anyway, I called the gas emergency line, and the woman said "an engineer will be there within an hour...whatever you do, don't smoke, wave any naked flames around, operate any switches, set off any fireworks, start a bonfire, bang any rocks together, or do anything at all..."

Anyway, just to let you know, if an explosion happens, I may die in the process. Goodbye, nice knowing you all, and have a nice life...

If no explosion happens, it will be business as usual (dancing giraffe's and hang-gliding sheep)...

Oh Sky
There you are
All the way up there
Like an upside-down sea of air

And here I am
All the way down here
Wishing I could fly like an eagle

Every day
Like clockwork
You give birth to the sun
And then let it die

If only I could run
O'er hill and vale
And catch the sun
Before it went stale

Ah but alas
I cannot
And 'twas always so
Amen

Rain
Oh rain
You wet sod
All you ever do is fall
Downwards towards the ground

Rain
Oh rain
Slutty mistress to the Wind
Go back home to where you belong
(Somewhere colder like Norway or Sweden)

"When I was a lad, we didn't used to have all this rain shit going on..."
Old Man on the Street.

"Since the invention of rain, the sky weighs more*, say Special Clever Scientists..."
A News Reader You've Never Seen Before

* He means less. Think about it. All the water that was weighing it down before has fallen out.

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
A Confused Old Woman Called Ethil.

"During the war, when all things were rationed, we had to make do with what water we had. As my mother always said, 'Water doesn't grow on trees,' and she was right, it doesn't, but these days it falls down from the sky. I don't know what's going on anymore, I really don't.'"
Old Man on the Street (Yes, the Same One From Earlier)

"Since the Dawn of Time, which was when Time was created by Simon the Timemonger (who created Time for all of the Universes that existed, and also some of the ones that didn't), there was a Force. It was a force so great that no other force could force it to do anything or to stop or anything like that. As a result, the Great Ooh Deidre Always Looking Mighty Interesting Gosh He Tickles Yoghurts (G.O.D. A.L.M.I.G.H.T.Y.) invented Wind to blow things over or make it difficult to walk in certain directions. This was no good, because Wind needed something more to blow to make life more interesting, so the Omnipresent Uncle Rupert Likes Orange Rubarb Daisy Juice Extracted by Squashing and Uncontrollable Squeezing (O.U.R. L.O.R.D. J.E.S.U.S.) invented rain, and so that's how rain was invented and that's why we have rain these days but it's too much."
A Crazy Person

Rain
Oh rain
Oh you are so rain-like
In your rainyness

Down you pour
Like teardrops from
An angry sky
Too scared to admit
It just can't cope
With modern life
Without bursting into tears

In this article I want to talk about: Very Small Countries.

The smallest country in the whole of this damn fine huge great big spinny world is: Vatican City. The second smallest is Monaco.

Also very small is Andorra, which is where there was a tragedy yesterday when a bridge collapsed and some people died.

Actually, while we're on that subject, I told my dad about that today, having read it on Wikinews, and he had no idea about it. It just goes to show, the BBC News doesn't give you all the important news, they just telly you what they want to tell you.

I really don't like watching TV news, the BBC especially, because there's so much endless political scandal stuff. Like ages ago when that blind politician David Blunkett was having an affair or something - I don't care! I don't care where he puts his penis (as long as he keeps it away from me).

I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to know important stuff. Like, I want to know when we've got a new Prime Minister, or when they've created a law to ban thinking, but I really don't care about the ins and outs of politicians private lives. Or even the ins and outs of their professional lives. I just want the important stuff. The end results. That's why I prefer reading it online, because I can just skim down through any headlines that don't interest me, and as long as there's none that say anything scary like "Britain Has Been Sold To China" or "Gloucestershire To Be Dug Up And Transported To Australia" then I'm happy.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, small countries...

Yeah, so small countries, right, I mean...why?

And also: What?

And by that I mean: What if something really bad happens? Like, what if part of it explodes or collapses, then there's hardly anything left. Or what if there's some other disaster, like another country invades it, would another nearby country help defend it?

But also, take Monaco for example, that's just a city. What if you live there but you get sick of the city? You have actually move to another country just to move to a rural area. If I lived there, I'd be campaigning to expand the boundaries out into the surrounding mountains, where I would build a small castle and call myself King.

No, wait. King is too oppressive. How about a more relaxed title, for example: "The Wise Man On The Hill"?

Today I went walking in the Malverns with my dad. It was a rare day in that the weather forecast said it wasn't going to rain, so we thought we'd take the opportunity seeing as we've not been there for a while.

Indeed it did not rain, but there was also no sun, and virtually no view due to fog. The only thing I could really see from up on the hills was the town of Great Malvern, which is really close by. In fact, the outskirts of it spread up the side of the hills a bit, as can be seen in the image on this page.

Actually, this reminds me of a day out with my friend James back in May 2008 when we got really lost round there trying to find one of the public car parks, and ended up driving all around the circumfrence of the hills several times, admiring the grand hillside houses along the way. That was a good day, it was sunny. Anyway...

We walked across a few of the hills to Worcestershire Beacon, which is the highest out of the hills. Well, actually, I walked over each of the hills whilst my dad walked along a lower path (he's getting old) until the final climb up Worcestershire Beacon. No view up there at all. Actually, the view was worse than lower down. Still, it was nice to have the exercise and fresh air anyway.

After the walk, on the way back home we stopped in Upton-upon-Severn, where there is a lovely specialist map shop that my dad loves. This was my idea, because we did it last time, and it's a nice way to end the walk. I love old small towns like that, with the old street of independent quirky shops and old architecture. I didn't go in the map shop this time, because I went in a little second hand book shop. The old guy working in there (who was sat reading a book) was really strange looking. Hard to describe really. He was strange rotund man, and had a strange partial beard, a high voice (yes, even higher than mine I think), and wore a really old coat that was falling apart. Maybe business is slow...

Does anyone know:

Are there any long-term health implications if you wear the same pair of trousers for a very long time? I'm not just talking two weeks or whatever, no, I mean like for 6 months or a year, or maybe even 5 years.

For example, would your legs become infected, maybe gangrenous or even perhaps (shock horror!): fall off altogether?

Please let me know, somebody.

I mean, don't get me wrong, this is not something I'm particuarly planning to do, as I do have multiple pairs of trousers. However, it is a question that has started bugging me since yesterday. It would be nice to know, just in case I'm ever in a situation where I can't afford to buy any new pairs of trousers.