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In The News Today
Fresh From The Mouth Of The Dancing NewsMonkey

In This Issue:
  • New island discovered "far away somewhere in the sea"
  • Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
  • "We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
  • "Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
  • Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
  • Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
  • "Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts

New island discovered far away somewhere in the sea

An island has been discovered in a stretch of the Atlantic Ocean never before explored by anyone. The island is small and also big (but mostly small - but bigger than a really small one that nobody could ever live on) and contains a unique subspecies of humanoid who are very similar to us humans (me and you - and everyone else as well). The main difference to normal humans is that they contain just one hermaphroditic gender.

Other major differences include:
  • Longer legs
  • Smaller ears
  • Stronger arms (for climbing up rocks)
  • An extra arm on their back
  • Hairy elbows
Yesterday, scientists ran around the island, trying to capture some of these people to put in cages to take back to the laboratory. "We want to analyse them to see if we can breed with them to create a superior species," said one of the scientists. "First we shall analyse their chromosomal structure, and if it's compatible with human chromosomes, we shall commence coitus. By force if necessary."

Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
The young boy who flew to Mars in a homemade minature flying saucer returned back to Planet Earth yesterday, only to be captured by pirates. Police have been in contact with the pirates, and it appears that they want to keep him hostage until the boy's parents agree to give them the design drawing for the spacecraft, so that they can "build a bigger one for ourselves and fly off into space to kidnap aliens".

"We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
US President Bra-rack O-bum-hair is said to be "truly shocked" by the revelation that New Mexico has been an independent country since 1981. "We thought you knew," said the King of New Mexico Abejundio el Gonzalus. "We just thought you were just joking with the whole 'United States' thing." We asked a local resident of New Mexico what he thought about the whole confusion, and he had this to day: "¿Qué la cogida? I don' ¿t habla inglés, por qué usted me para en calle y me hace la pregunta muda?"

"Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
The taoiseach (prime minister) Briaiaiaen O'McCoewaern of the Republic Of Most Of Ireland But Not Quite All Of It said: "Ah come on now ya feckin eejits, this nonsense has gone on for far too long and must stop now. If a man has a beard, you can't see his face. He might be scowling at you, or may even be hiding a weapon. Ya don't know what's goin on, ah come on now, an' on an' on."

Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
A young girl from south western Northern South Carolina ate 50 bags of Jelly Babies in the space of just a couple of hours, and as a result had a sugar high that tripped her out so much that "she actually trancended the dimensions of space-time and travelled through several dimensions until she eventually reached the one where all the invisible aliens live," said An Expert yesterday. When the girl returned to space-time, she was extremely confused and disorientatified. "I'm shocked that this has happened," said King of America Obama bin Laden. "Jelly babies should be made illegal," said Another Expert. "I can't believe it's not butter!" said Dave.

Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
The controversial plant known as cannabis, marijuana, skunk-pussy and many other names (including funky lettuce, grass, leaves, flowers, meadows, daisies, sunshine, blue sky, piss and wankymoss), is to be downgraded from "a drug" to "not a drug", and then upgraded the other way to being classified as a beneficial nutrient, to be known as Vitamin Z or possibly a mineral named Cannabilium (the Experts are still arguing about this). This whole revelation follows recent studies which suggest that the plant may be useful with certain health conditions, including anorexia (due to its appetite stimulating effect) and stress. It is also thought to provide some benefit to people who are worried that they have an unhealthily low level of paranoia, i.e. those who have been diagnosed with Gulliblitis. Also useful for people who wish to vaguely smell like are wearing clothes that they haven't changed since they literally pissed themselves laughing whilst watching childrens TV whilst stoned two weeks ago.

"Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts
Yes, that's right, Special Clever Scientist Experts have predicted that very soon (like sometime in the next few weeks) Planet Earth (or, to give it its official name: The World) will suddenly start spinning in the opposite direction. "Is this really true, or is it some kind of stupid joke?" we asked An Expert, and he had this to say: "Yes, it really is true, and no, it's not some kind of stupid joke. When it happens, the sun will rise back up from the same horizon it went down behind, and who knows where the Moon will even be. The only person who can really answer that question is God, and he doesn't really exist." Well, that's a very brave thing to say, as the existence of God has still yet to be disproven, as has the existence of the Planet Marzipan and the Lock Ness Aardvark.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - a trusted sturdy metal statue in a world full of crumbling anti-news.

In The News Today (For The Whole Wide World, Not Just Where You Live - Fantastic, Yes?!¿)

In This Issue:
  • "Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
  • Lundy Island to have railway network
  • "We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
  • "Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
  • "Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
  • USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President

"Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
A new report out today puts forward the case for moving the Isles of Scilly closer to mainland Great Britain. The islands will be moved via "special extra-super-huge-massive boats" closer to the far south-western tip of the county of Cornwall, to which they will then be connected a suspension-bridged road system. A later (but optional) stage of the same project may see the M5 Motorway (which currently terminates at Exeter, Devon) to be extended all the way down to the islands.

Lundy Island to have railway network
Lundy Island, a tiny island off the north Devon coast in the Bristol Channel, is to have its own railway network. The island, which only measures 3 miles long and half a mile wide, currently has no form of internal transport other than the 4-wheel-drive car which travels via a gravelly track from the ferry jetty up to the island's only shop. Early plans for the network suggest it will be designed thus: "It's going to be great!" said the man in charge of the whole thing. "There will be a rail line going all the way round the edge of the island, useful for wheelchair-bound people who want a quick look at the whole island. There will also be lines going from the pub to every house on the island, for people who end up too drunk to walk home." Gordon Brown agrees that it sounds like a good idea. "Yes, I agree, it sounds like a good idea," he said (see, I told you). US President O-banana-man said: "Remind me, where is this Britain place again?"

"We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
This shocking new revelation happened on Monday, but wasn't made public until today (a whole 3 days later, dammit, what a stupid carry-on) due to the fact that those who discovered it took that long to come all the way back down from "the biggest fucking ride of our whole damn lives!" This discovery follows the suggestion earlier in the year by MP David Mitchell (Kilburn East, Conservative) that "Heroin should be made available to everyone on the NHS," and the recent discovery by Some Hippy Scientists Somewhere that "LSD may cure asthma."

"Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
In a bid to "finally erradicate all evil from the world once and for all," all of the goverments of the world ("Yes, even the poor ones!" - US President Obi-Wan Kenobi) will be gathering together in a large building "somewhere in the world" to discuss the banning of money. If all the countries can agree that banning money is a good idea (and they probably all will, because the poor countries never have enough money, and the rich countries are never quite as rich as they'd really like to be - so it's predicted that they will all indeed conclude that "this whole money thing has been a big waste of time") then it will actually become illegal to use money anywhere in the world, and anyone caught using money will be committing a criminal offence. Experts predict that the United Kingdom may reintroduce the death penalty specifically for this new law. As UK prime minister Gordon Brown has been heard saying, "Well, you know, at least it will help solve the overppopulation problem," after which he then did that bizarre facial expression he always does after each sentence.

"Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
Yesterday afternoon, George (not his real name) was walking his dog (cat) Ben (not her real name) through a field when he came across the meaning of life. Police were quickly on the scene, and the area has been fenced off by that tape that they use. Police are unable to release any further details about what they found, other than confirming: "Yes, this does indeed look like it explains everything - the Universe, happiness, everything really important that people spend their lives searching for the answer to." Experts suggest that if it really is the meaning of life, it will need to be strictly controlled to "stop the whole planet from getting out of control." It will most likely be rationed out to the general public on a monthly basis, and people in poorer living situations will receive it at a reduced price, possibly even free in some cases. However, if and when money eventually becomes abolished, everything will be made freely available to everyone, even this, as An Expert On The Matter said: "Yes, even this will become free eventually, and then everything will be alright forever."

USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President
US President Barry Oboe-man has declared America "too big to really work properely," saying that he feels that it's "so big, I don't really know what's going on, I just can't keep track of everything. I mean, I really don't know how the other guys managed it." All of the states will become independent countries, all given seperate languages to learn. They will also all be given new names. California will be renamed New Austria, with German as the official language, and The Governator will be renamed The King of New Austria. As a result, all Hollywood films released after 2010 will be in German, thus forcing most of the rest of the world to learn German as a second language. When questioned what he thought about the idea, Arnold Switzerlandneck said, "Persönlich denke ich it' s groß. Ich bedeute, Englisch habe eine gewordene weit zu allgemeine Sprache für mein Mögen. It' s über Zeit, dass die zutreffende Schönheit der deutschen Sprache von mehr Leuten erfahren wird." And quite right too, I say.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - your one-stop place for real news that actually really happens for real in real life, unlike all the other news sources which contain nothing but nonsensical made-up stories invented by insane retarded midgets.

P.S. What's the point in this shitty little short motorway here.

Further to my previous article of a highly serious nature on the subject of possibly building motorways on the Isle of Wight, I can't help but notice (from looking at this very map right here) that there are far too many motorways in the north of England, particularly around the Manchester/Liverpool area. Some of them seem to just randomly criss-cross in random directions, not really going very far. I can't really see the point of them. I never go there, and I doubt anyone else does either, except the people who live there, and they are already there, so they don't need to travel to get there. Especially not on a motorway. Stupid carry-on.

In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that many northerners know how to drive cars anyway, so I suggest said motorways are hereby dug up and lifted up from the ground and into the air (by specially designed Motorway Lifting Devices, to be designed by assylum seekers and built entirely out of recycled materials, even if that means paper) and transported (by a Road Transportation Device - designed by some random man from China and built by his friend Wang Cha Winkydum Doodaa Ting Tong entirely out of some kind of super alloy metal which includes recycled paper as one of the constituent metals) to the Isle of Wight.


We interrupt this important and serious broadcast to bring you some truly shocking news!!

As can be seen in this aerial photograph taken by an RAF helicopter, Northern Ireland has been cut away from the rest of Ireland and kicked out into the sea.

Our reporter on the scene, Paddy O'McPaddytownface, who is currently floating nearby on a raft, had this to say (5 minutes ago):

"I don't know quite what happened. One minute I was stood just outside Derry city, just straddling the border there, just having a chat with the old locals like, you know, just for the crack like, 'ah come on now isn't it great how things have settled down more these days, ah come on ya feckin eejits let's all have a pint a Guiness to celebrate...' and then all of a sudden someone came along with this big saw and started cutting the land away, and then this huge great foot came and kicked the land away, and feckin hell ya know because I was stood right there on the edge I lost me feckin ballance an fell right into the water don't ya know, but I just managed to grab someone's broken shed door to use as a raft, ah come on now what are the chances of that happenin!"

More on that story later...

In other news:
  • Boy flies miniature flying saucer all the way to Mars. Boy later found hiding in attic. Then came the shocking confession from the parents: "He's been in there for 7 years, he's actually his twin brother." At which point the parents began crying. "We're really worried about him. I don't think he can get mobile phone reception that far away. What if he loses his lunch box?!"
  • Dead body found. Police confirm: "Yes, it's definately dead, and was definately alive at some point in the past, until it died, at which point it stopped living and was no longer alive." They are currently investigating the cause of its death. Initial theories suggest "We think it might have been killed." Theories as to what killed it vary, but most agree: "it was most likely something fatal."
  • Naked man found wondering aimlessly. Police ask: "What are you doing?" Man replies: "I'm going for a walk." Police ask: "What happened to your clothes?" Man replies: "I took them off." He is to be charged with Failure To Successfully Keep Clothes On Whilst Walking Around Outside In A Public Place Where There Are Other People Who Might Accidentally Glance Down And See His Genitals Dangling Around.
  • Huge pineapple in sky. Witnesses all agree: "It was really big! We didn't know what was going on! It doesn't make any sense."
  • Jesus was gay. Proof now found.
  • God doesn't exist, has never existed. Scientific proof 100% accurate. Same study also disproves the existence of Saturn and also cheese.
  • New religion invented. Believers claim: "Everything all makes sense now, for the first time ever. We all now feel beautiful inside, and life will now be wonderful forever, as long as we can blow up everyone else."

I was thinking today (it's always fun when that happens), I wonder if they will ever put motorways on the Isle of Wight.

They could put one going all the way round the edge, similar to how the M25 goes all round the outside of London. This would be really useful for people who want to see all the coastal views but don't have much time.

Another motorway could be placed East to West, to get across the main length of the island in minimal time. Ideal for people who have so far spent nearly a week in a caravan on the east coast of the island, and not long before it's time to go home, suddenly realise they haven't even seen the western side of the island yet because the time has really flown by while they've been playing beach volleyball with their grandchildren. "Ooh, quick Margaret, if we really put the pedal to the metal we can be there in under 15 minutes, throw a few oddly-shaped pebbles into the sea, and then whizz all the way back again with just enough time to pack away young Simon's little one-man play tent..."

Then there could be a South to North one, which wouldn't just stop at the northern edge of the island, but would continue towards the mainland via a huge suspension bridge (made entirely of recycled materials). This would be fantastic for day-trippers, and would increase tourism to the island from all the very busy people on the mainland who don't have time to sit around wasting time on a ferry. One small down-side: the island may subsequently see an increase in joyriders coming over from poor areas of Portsmouth (compared to the current small number of hovercraft joyriders). Solution: install a toll booth. Maximum pentalty for crashing through toll barrier without paying: DEATH.

Looking at this map, it's easy to see how this could link up with the M27, and therefore utimately the M3 towards London. However, I would also recommend that the current A34 be converted into a motorway and an interchange with the M4 constructed (as well as continuing north towards Oxford), enabling motorway access to Bristol, south Wales, and the rest of the UK.

There would be no speed limits on the island's motorways. Rather, there would be a big sign every half a mile warning you: "WARNING: Drive Carefully, Or You Might End Up In The Sea!!" Each sign would be in a different colour to the previous one, to make sure it catches your eye. Maybe also include a rudimentary image of a car sinking into water.

What do you think?

Answers on a postcard to:

Isle of Wight Motorway Campaign
P.O. Box 1324738925497308488734095983.723
United Kingdom
Planet Earth
The Solar System
The Milky Way
The Universe
The Huge Collection Of Infinite Universes Inside God's Left Nipple

My Other Blog: Sun-kissed

About me

  • I'm Marcus
  • From Wotton-under-Edge, Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
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Contact Me: mejc@mejc.demon.co.uk

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