Further to my previous article of a highly serious nature on the subject of possibly building motorways on the Isle of Wight, I can't help but notice (from looking at this very map right here) that there are far too many motorways in the north of England, particularly around the Manchester/Liverpool area. Some of them seem to just randomly criss-cross in random directions, not really going very far. I can't really see the point of them. I never go there, and I doubt anyone else does either, except the people who live there, and they are already there, so they don't need to travel to get there. Especially not on a motorway. Stupid carry-on.

In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that many northerners know how to drive cars anyway, so I suggest said motorways are hereby dug up and lifted up from the ground and into the air (by specially designed Motorway Lifting Devices, to be designed by assylum seekers and built entirely out of recycled materials, even if that means paper) and transported (by a Road Transportation Device - designed by some random man from China and built by his friend Wang Cha Winkydum Doodaa Ting Tong entirely out of some kind of super alloy metal which includes recycled paper as one of the constituent metals) to the Isle of Wight.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

We interrupt this important and serious broadcast to bring you some truly shocking news!!

As can be seen in this aerial photograph taken by an RAF helicopter, Northern Ireland has been cut away from the rest of Ireland and kicked out into the sea.

Our reporter on the scene, Paddy O'McPaddytownface, who is currently floating nearby on a raft, had this to say (5 minutes ago):

"I don't know quite what happened. One minute I was stood just outside Derry city, just straddling the border there, just having a chat with the old locals like, you know, just for the crack like, 'ah come on now isn't it great how things have settled down more these days, ah come on ya feckin eejits let's all have a pint a Guiness to celebrate...' and then all of a sudden someone came along with this big saw and started cutting the land away, and then this huge great foot came and kicked the land away, and feckin hell ya know because I was stood right there on the edge I lost me feckin ballance an fell right into the water don't ya know, but I just managed to grab someone's broken shed door to use as a raft, ah come on now what are the chances of that happenin!"

More on that story later...

In other news:

• Boy flies miniature flying saucer all the way to Mars. Boy later found hiding in attic. Then came the shocking confession from the parents: "He's been in there for 7 years, he's actually his twin brother." At which point the parents began crying. "We're really worried about him. I don't think he can get mobile phone reception that far away. What if he loses his lunch box?!"
  
• Dead body found. Police confirm: "Yes, it's definately dead, and was definately alive at some point in the past, until it died, at which point it stopped living and was no longer alive." They are currently investigating the cause of its death. Initial theories suggest "We think it might have been killed." Theories as to what killed it vary, but most agree: "it was most likely something fatal."
• Naked man found wondering aimlessly. Police ask: "What are you doing?" Man replies: "I'm going for a walk." Police ask: "What happened to your clothes?" Man replies: "I took them off." He is to be charged with Failure To Successfully Keep Clothes On Whilst Walking Around Outside In A Public Place Where There Are Other People Who Might Accidentally Glance Down And See His Genitals Dangling Around.
• Huge pineapple in sky. Witnesses all agree: "It was really big! We didn't know what was going on! It doesn't make any sense."
• Jesus was gay. Proof now found.
  
• God doesn't exist, has never existed. Scientific proof 100% accurate. Same study also disproves the existence of Saturn and also cheese.
• New religion invented. Believers claim: "Everything all makes sense now, for the first time ever. We all now feel beautiful inside, and life will now be wonderful forever, as long as we can blow up everyone else."