THE WAR OF ALL WARS

I've decided, it's time to wage a war on war. I will be assembling a team of Anti-War Warriors, and we shall set off tomorrow in search of the inventor of war. And if we can't find him (or her), we shall go after one of their relatives instead, or maybe just one of their friends...or anyone who has ever heard of them and anyone who has ever thought that war might be a good idea. We will then execute these people, and everyone they know, and by doing so destroy all war. All war will be destroyed. With force. Then the world will be great again like it once was in some magical time long-ago in the past when dancing pixies and unicorns ruled the Earth, and everyone greeted each other with smiles and hugs and then sat in fields with flowers in; as it was always meant to be, and as it would be now if it wasn't for all the bad things that stop it being so.

Then, from that moment on, no wars will ever happen again, unless of course they are truly noble wars, for example maybe a War On Unhappiness (force everyone at gunpoint to be happy, or they get shot dead, and so do all their family and friends, just in case the unhappiness spreads like a violent disease), the War On...oh, wait! Hang on a minute...

No, in fact, let's rearrange these plans. We must fight all these other noble wars before we fight the War On War, because the War On War must be final; the war to end all wars.

So, before we fight the War On War, we must give ourselves time for...

The War On Drugs - ban all drugs in the world, especially the drugs which make people think that drugs are a good idea. Drugs that will remain allowed will be drugs which cause people to think that drugs are a bad idea apart from the drugs which cause people to think that drugs are a bad idea. Exceptions to this rule will be any drug which has ludicrous side effects, such as Floating or Really Big Leg (as has been reported in a few cases with the drug Oxyploxymoxymorphinoxyplaurine) or Uncontrollable Dancing Syndrome (as has happened with Magical Wood Bark, or to give it its scientific name, Rupertthebearjuice).

The War On Religious Intolerance - kill all people who don't respect everyone else’s religion. Hook everyone up to a lie detector test (make one out of metal this time – the plastic one we used last time was unreliable!), and ask them what they think about another religion. If they say something like "Well, each to their own and all that," but then there's a big spike on the graph, they immediately get shot in the head. Religious intolerance will not be tolerated! The message we want to get across is: anyone is free to worship clouds or Saturn, but nobody is free to think logically. Anyone caught yelling "loony" at anyone claiming that Planet Earth was built by a swarm of wasps will be...locked in a room full of wasps.

The War On Anyone Who Thinks These Wars Are A Bad Idea - just in case anyone disagrees with what we are doing. We can't have that. Oh no.

The War On Lies - Everyone knows that lying is bad, and those who say they think lying is good are lying (these people will automatically be shot*)

*white lies will involve bullets made of cheese, to avoid Death or Screaming Because Of Painful Bleeding Leg

The War On Conspiracy Theories - all conspiracy theories must be destroyed, apart from any conspiracy theories suggesting that all conspiracy theories were invented by the Government(s) just to confuse everyone. Confused? I certainly am!*

The War On Bad Weather – all bad weather will be destroyed - With nuclear weapons! At once! Do it now! PRESS THE BIG RED BUTTON!

The War On Silliness, Nonsense and Absurd Humour - anyone found guilty of acting daft or silly will be punished by being flung by a giant catapult into a giant bowl of custard. Everyone will laugh at them, and they will feel very foolish. For anyone whom this punishment doesn't have the satisfactory result upon*, they will be forced to shabber wobby dibby doo ploppy doppy moo moo moo wagga wagga pattong-splosh! And that's my final answer!

*I really struggled with that sentence. Can you tell?

The War On American Versions of Word Spellings – Anyone found writing “color” instead of “colour”, “humor” instead of “humour”, or “jelly” instead of “jam” will be penalised (with an “s”).

The War On Swearing - anyone who disagrees with this one can just FUCK OFF!

The War On Political Incorrectness - anyone who thinks this war is a bad idea is clearly stupid. Sorry, let me rephrase that. Not stupid as such, that would unfair. Just err...cognitively developmentally…err…on their own schedule. Not quite playing with a full deck - but that's okay! That's what makes you so special! Your mummy* loves you! And so does Jesus! Or any other religious figure you choose to err...imagine, no not imagine...err...No, wait, hang on, I'm getting two different wars confused here...

*I'm not American

The War On All Other Bad Things Apart From War (must keep war itself separate from this because the War On War must be the final war, otherwise none of this will make any sense, do you understand?*). This war will be one last final war before the real final war to end all wars. Any bad things left after all the previous wars will automatically be destroyed, including moldy food, grumpy shop workers, vaginal thrush, bowel incontinence, eczema, bad hair days, and many other things...

*If you don’t, that’s okay, just pretend you do and keep reading anyway**.

**Why do I keep writing all these footnote-style comments?***

***I don’t know****

****This is getting messy with all these asterisks*****

*****Yes it is!******

******Who said that?*******

*******I’ve no idea, I thought it was just the two of us in here.

Anyway…

Then will come…the final war...

The War On War!
This will be the war to end all wars, quite literally (yes, the clue is in the title). EVERYTHING and EVERYONE war-related will be destroyed with force and big guns, and then those items of force will be destroyed so that no more war can ever happen ever again. We're not yet sure how we will destroy these instruments of destruction, but we will surely think of something. And then, once that's done, we have one final trick up our sleeves...

The Erasure of All Bad Memories
(Don't confuse this with the band Erasure - it's just a word, okay?*)
Strictly speaking, this isn't a war, so it is allowed to happen after all war has been destroyed. What we will do is travel the whole planet injecting people’s brains with a drug which deletes all memories of all bad things.

*Okay**

**Shut up! Look, this is my piece! Go away!

Once this has happened, we will reach The Final State, also known as...

BLISS UTOPIA HAPPINESS CONTENTMENT LOVE HAPPINESS TYPE THING

This will be a Planet Earth filled with everyone skipping gaily through fields of long grass, always holding hands and hugging each other and saying things like, "Oh Margaret, you look so pretty in that dress!" and nobody will ever need to lie in order to say these things, no, because everyone will automatically be beautiful and everyone will automatically be happy and delighted to see everyone else, because all bad things will have been previously destroyed, including ugly people, bad moods, excessive farting, and body odor.

Every day will be sunny, everyone will be happy, nobody will be overweight or ill or underweight or get HIV. Nobody will ever get ill, and nobody will ever die, and everyone will live forever and be happy the whole time. Sex will disappear, because it will no longer be needed as no new people will need to be born because all the existing people will be living forever (and remain looking 21 forever). However, it must be noted that sex will still exist for a short while, in order to repopulate the planet after destroying all the bad people. But once this goal has been achieved (a figure is yet to be decided upon), sex will fade out and instead people will begin to feel a constant ongoing orgasm that fills their entire body and radiates out into the whole universe, subsequently turning Space a pleasant shade of purple.

This is the ultimate goal of the human race, and it can only be achieved with bombs and tanks and machine guns and (if necessary) karate.

Random Bits That Aren’t Actually Relevant To This Piece But I Put Here Anyway

Hey, imagine if space was purple. Go one imagine it.

Do your favourite dance, in a field, to a crowd of 6 people all forced to sit on 50-foot high chairs. Cover yourself in custard, and then get hosed down by a man in a chicken costume. Why? Why not? Why do you wake up in the morning and breathe? Exactly. I think I’ve made my point.

There’s no more here for you to read. Go away.

Listen, I told you to go away, alright?!
The next bit isn’t meant to be read.

Bah bah black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags somewhere in the barn, I’ll just go get them.

Smelly cat, smelly cat,
What are they feeding you?
Marmite.

Ooh, Mr Yellow Face
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!

Ooh, Mr Yellow Face
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!

Squiggle, piggle, diggle, miggle, shpliggle, tiggle.

Blah blah wah yaa mad cat fat chav bum trousers.

There is a man and he is running from the law.

Big tower in the woods and man dressed as a nonsense factory worker who speaks like a daydream “I do feel grey buildings grey old builds lost in some other time something feel like I don't know woods and forests and nobody ever speaks these days. Seems like a long way to make a difference…”

Wasted land behind the houses.

“I don’t want to feel.”

“Maybe there is an attic.”

“I feel like plastic.”