In The News Today
Fresh From The Mouth Of The Dancing NewsMonkey

In This Issue:

• New island discovered "far away somewhere in the sea"
• Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
• "We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
• "Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
• Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
• Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
• "Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts
  

New island discovered far away somewhere in the sea

An island has been discovered in a stretch of the Atlantic Ocean never before explored by anyone. The island is small and also big (but mostly small - but bigger than a really small one that nobody could ever live on) and contains a unique subspecies of humanoid who are very similar to us humans (me and you - and everyone else as well). The main difference to normal humans is that they contain just one hermaphroditic gender.

Other major differences include:

• Longer legs
• Smaller ears
• Stronger arms (for climbing up rocks)
  
• An extra arm on their back
  
• Hairy elbows

Yesterday, scientists ran around the island, trying to capture some of these people to put in cages to take back to the laboratory. "We want to analyse them to see if we can breed with them to create a superior species," said one of the scientists. "First we shall analyse their chromosomal structure, and if it's compatible with human chromosomes, we shall commence coitus. By force if necessary."

Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
The young boy who flew to Mars in a homemade minature flying saucer returned back to Planet Earth yesterday, only to be captured by pirates. Police have been in contact with the pirates, and it appears that they want to keep him hostage until the boy's parents agree to give them the design drawing for the spacecraft, so that they can "build a bigger one for ourselves and fly off into space to kidnap aliens".

"We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
US President Bra-rack O-bum-hair is said to be "truly shocked" by the revelation that New Mexico has been an independent country since 1981. "We thought you knew," said the King of New Mexico Abejundio el Gonzalus. "We just thought you were just joking with the whole 'United States' thing." We asked a local resident of New Mexico what he thought about the whole confusion, and he had this to day: "¿Qué la cogida? I don' ¿t habla inglés, por qué usted me para en calle y me hace la pregunta muda?"

"Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
The taoiseach (prime minister) Briaiaiaen O'McCoewaern of the Republic Of Most Of Ireland But Not Quite All Of It said: "Ah come on now ya feckin eejits, this nonsense has gone on for far too long and must stop now. If a man has a beard, you can't see his face. He might be scowling at you, or may even be hiding a weapon. Ya don't know what's goin on, ah come on now, an' on an' on."

Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
A young girl from south western Northern South Carolina ate 50 bags of Jelly Babies in the space of just a couple of hours, and as a result had a sugar high that tripped her out so much that "she actually trancended the dimensions of space-time and travelled through several dimensions until she eventually reached the one where all the invisible aliens live," said An Expert yesterday. When the girl returned to space-time, she was extremely confused and disorientatified. "I'm shocked that this has happened," said King of America Obama bin Laden. "Jelly babies should be made illegal," said Another Expert. "I can't believe it's not butter!" said Dave.

Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
The controversial plant known as cannabis, marijuana, skunk-pussy and many other names (including funky lettuce, grass, leaves, flowers, meadows, daisies, sunshine, blue sky, piss and wankymoss), is to be downgraded from "a drug" to "not a drug", and then upgraded the other way to being classified as a beneficial nutrient, to be known as Vitamin Z or possibly a mineral named Cannabilium (the Experts are still arguing about this). This whole revelation follows recent studies which suggest that the plant may be useful with certain health conditions, including anorexia (due to its appetite stimulating effect) and stress. It is also thought to provide some benefit to people who are worried that they have an unhealthily low level of paranoia, i.e. those who have been diagnosed with Gulliblitis. Also useful for people who wish to vaguely smell like are wearing clothes that they haven't changed since they literally pissed themselves laughing whilst watching childrens TV whilst stoned two weeks ago.

"Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts
Yes, that's right, Special Clever Scientist Experts have predicted that very soon (like sometime in the next few weeks) Planet Earth (or, to give it its official name: The World) will suddenly start spinning in the opposite direction. "Is this really true, or is it some kind of stupid joke?" we asked An Expert, and he had this to say: "Yes, it really is true, and no, it's not some kind of stupid joke. When it happens, the sun will rise back up from the same horizon it went down behind, and who knows where the Moon will even be. The only person who can really answer that question is God, and he doesn't really exist." Well, that's a very brave thing to say, as the existence of God has still yet to be disproven, as has the existence of the Planet Marzipan and the Lock Ness Aardvark.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - a trusted sturdy metal statue in a world full of crumbling anti-news.