In The News Today (For The Whole Wide World, Not Just Where You Live - Fantastic, Yes?!¿)

In This Issue:

• "Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
• Lundy Island to have railway network
• "We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
• "Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
• "Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
• USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President
  

"Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
A new report out today puts forward the case for moving the Isles of Scilly closer to mainland Great Britain. The islands will be moved via "special extra-super-huge-massive boats" closer to the far south-western tip of the county of Cornwall, to which they will then be connected a suspension-bridged road system. A later (but optional) stage of the same project may see the M5 Motorway (which currently terminates at Exeter, Devon) to be extended all the way down to the islands.

Lundy Island to have railway network
Lundy Island, a tiny island off the north Devon coast in the Bristol Channel, is to have its own railway network. The island, which only measures 3 miles long and half a mile wide, currently has no form of internal transport other than the 4-wheel-drive car which travels via a gravelly track from the ferry jetty up to the island's only shop. Early plans for the network suggest it will be designed thus: "It's going to be great!" said the man in charge of the whole thing. "There will be a rail line going all the way round the edge of the island, useful for wheelchair-bound people who want a quick look at the whole island. There will also be lines going from the pub to every house on the island, for people who end up too drunk to walk home." Gordon Brown agrees that it sounds like a good idea. "Yes, I agree, it sounds like a good idea," he said (see, I told you). US President O-banana-man said: "Remind me, where is this Britain place again?"

"We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
This shocking new revelation happened on Monday, but wasn't made public until today (a whole 3 days later, dammit, what a stupid carry-on) due to the fact that those who discovered it took that long to come all the way back down from "the biggest fucking ride of our whole damn lives!" This discovery follows the suggestion earlier in the year by MP David Mitchell (Kilburn East, Conservative) that "Heroin should be made available to everyone on the NHS," and the recent discovery by Some Hippy Scientists Somewhere that "LSD may cure asthma."

"Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
In a bid to "finally erradicate all evil from the world once and for all," all of the goverments of the world ("Yes, even the poor ones!" - US President Obi-Wan Kenobi) will be gathering together in a large building "somewhere in the world" to discuss the banning of money. If all the countries can agree that banning money is a good idea (and they probably all will, because the poor countries never have enough money, and the rich countries are never quite as rich as they'd really like to be - so it's predicted that they will all indeed conclude that "this whole money thing has been a big waste of time") then it will actually become illegal to use money anywhere in the world, and anyone caught using money will be committing a criminal offence. Experts predict that the United Kingdom may reintroduce the death penalty specifically for this new law. As UK prime minister Gordon Brown has been heard saying, "Well, you know, at least it will help solve the overppopulation problem," after which he then did that bizarre facial expression he always does after each sentence.

"Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
Yesterday afternoon, George (not his real name) was walking his dog (cat) Ben (not her real name) through a field when he came across the meaning of life. Police were quickly on the scene, and the area has been fenced off by that tape that they use. Police are unable to release any further details about what they found, other than confirming: "Yes, this does indeed look like it explains everything - the Universe, happiness, everything really important that people spend their lives searching for the answer to." Experts suggest that if it really is the meaning of life, it will need to be strictly controlled to "stop the whole planet from getting out of control." It will most likely be rationed out to the general public on a monthly basis, and people in poorer living situations will receive it at a reduced price, possibly even free in some cases. However, if and when money eventually becomes abolished, everything will be made freely available to everyone, even this, as An Expert On The Matter said: "Yes, even this will become free eventually, and then everything will be alright forever."

USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President
US President Barry Oboe-man has declared America "too big to really work properely," saying that he feels that it's "so big, I don't really know what's going on, I just can't keep track of everything. I mean, I really don't know how the other guys managed it." All of the states will become independent countries, all given seperate languages to learn. They will also all be given new names. California will be renamed New Austria, with German as the official language, and The Governator will be renamed The King of New Austria. As a result, all Hollywood films released after 2010 will be in German, thus forcing most of the rest of the world to learn German as a second language. When questioned what he thought about the idea, Arnold Switzerlandneck said, "Persönlich denke ich it' s groß. Ich bedeute, Englisch habe eine gewordene weit zu allgemeine Sprache für mein Mögen. It' s über Zeit, dass die zutreffende Schönheit der deutschen Sprache von mehr Leuten erfahren wird." And quite right too, I say.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - your one-stop place for real news that actually really happens for real in real life, unlike all the other news sources which contain nothing but nonsensical made-up stories invented by insane retarded midgets.

P.S. What's the point in this shitty little short motorway here.