30 Amazing Facts In No Particular Order
(Other Than The Order That I Wrote Them In)

1. Special Clever Scientists have now proven that there are now more facts than there used to be.
2. The same scientists have also proven that there used to be less facts than there are now.
3. Fact-based knowledge is better than non-fact based knowledge, also called LIES.
4. Every day, 0.732 Million people lie without realising it.
5. 2+2=4
6. Planet Earth (also called The World) is a not a planet but an egg.
7. 7-8=56
8. A squirrel invented the first parachute.
9. Life.
10. E=MC Squared, where E is Egg, M is Marzipan, C is Cow, and the Square is really a Circle.
11. X=Y/Z, where X is Xylophone, Y is Yoghurt and Z is Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout.
12. 1+1=2, where the first 1 is 3, the second 1 is 7, and 2 is Egg.
13. It is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.
14. It is also physically impossible to dance your way to the Moon.
15. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
16. It's also impossible to sneeze if you have just died or if you don't have a mouth or if you are a lamp post.
    
17. If A+B=C, then what does D+E=? F, but only where A is Aardvark, B is Boomerang, C is Cow, D is Dinosaur, E is Egg and F is Baby Dinosaur.
18. If 1+2=3, then this means that 4+5=6. However, this is only true where 6 is 9.
19. If T+W+E+L+V+E = Twelve, then this means that 1+2=12 also. However, this is only true where 1 is 10 or where 2 is 11, but not both, because that makes 21, which as we all know is 2+1 not 1+2.
20. A chicken is just an Egg's way of making another Egg.
21. The Monkey Valve on a car (used for turning petrol into fire, and then subsequently into rotational energy, also called "spinny energy" by scientists, engineers and wizards) is made from the same material that bread is made from - egg.
22. "She Sells Sea Shells On The Sea Shore", but only on beaches where the shells are made from egg.
23. Fact number 24 is a lie.
24. Fact number 23 is true.
25. Fact number 25 is an elephant.
26. Fact number 26 is fact number 26.
27. Fact number 26 is fact number 26.
28. Fact number 28 isn't.
29. Fact number 29 is egg.
30. Fact number 30 is also egg.

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DISCUSSION & ANALYSIS
World Renouned Intellectual and Lesbian Scientist Marcus Cross Discusses His List of 30 Facts.

Hello Marcus, and thank you for talking to us. We know how busy and important you are, so we really appreciate it.

"Hello, and that's alright, it makes me feel loved and appreciated."

Please tell us about this list of facts.

"Is it okay if I discuss them in list form?"

Yes, please do.

"Okay. Here is my list of facts about the list of facts:

1. I wrote this list myself.
2. All of it is true, apart from the bits of it that aren't, and even those might be, you don't know.
3. I was originally going to write more than 30 facts.
4. There is one fact missing from the list. It is a very important one, but I didn't feel it was important to list it.
5. Next year I'm going to release an encyclopedia full of my own facts. This will help people learn the truth about the world and life and everything, instead of all those lies that all the other books contain. And as we have learned already today, lies aren't real facts, they are pretend fact pretending to be real facts when they're not really REAL real they're pretend real. Stupid bloody carry-on. All of my facts are true apart from the ones that aren't, but we have already been through this. Pay attention. Stop gazing out the windows at the trees."

In relation to the health benefits of exercise, I read recently a quote by somebody I can't remember, which said: "Everyone should walk their dog everyday, even if they don't have one."

Today, as I set off walking my imaginary dog, nearly sliding over on the compressed snow down the lane, I passed a couple of dog-walkers, and immediately thought to myself, "Why not just have it killed, and then just pretend it still exists. It will save you a lot on food and vet bills." Actually, I didn't think that. I just needed some way to finish that sentence.

And now for the rest of this article. I really can't think what else to write. In fact, this sorry excuse for an article was all just a way for me to do that silly imaginary dog joke. I feel I somehow owe it to the universe to make this article something more substantial. As you can see, I have attempted to find a solution via typing whatevever comes into my head as I try to figure out what to write.

I think we can all agree this whole article has been a complete waste of not just my time, but your time too. I feel deeply ashamed. I feel that not only have I let myself down, but I'm also let my parents down. My mum gave birth to me from her huge vagina so that I could make use of my life, and what do I do with it? Write stupid things like this.

As a punishment, I'm going to lock myself in the cupboard under the stairs for 24 hours, with nothing to survive on but dead spiders and the pure black darkness itself, in an attempt to purify my soul.

As we all know, all bulls have horns, cows never have horns, and all bulls are born with a ring through their nose. This ring is made from a similar kind of material to the horns, and grows bigger the older the bull gets. Therefore, you can easily tell a bull's age by how big its ring is.

Now, obviously, bulls are meant to mate with cows, in order to create minicows and minibulls which, as long as they don't run out into the road or accidentally get sat on, will one day grow up into big adult ones. If a bull accidentally mates with a mare (female horse), a sterile hybrid is born called a wazzock. These are noticable by their very short legs and extremely large heads. Whatever you do, don't ever stare at a wazzock. Trust me on this one. You really don't want to know what happens if you stare a wazzock right in the eye. I found out the hard way, and I'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.

Similarly, a similar thing happens if a cow accidentally gets mounted by a stallion (male horse) and he successfully leaves his semen inside her. The end result is a sterile animal called a schlong. These are recognisable due to their very small heads and their stupid long legs which are twice as long as normal.

However, occasionally cows (from normal cow and bull parents) are accidentally born intersex. These are referred to as burgles. There are thought to be approximately 1.7 million burgles wondering aimlessly round the planet, unsure of their sense of identity and with a general vague feeling of inadequacy. 247,000 burgles are thought to live in Britain alone. Often they live an isolated life, forced to stand at the other end of the field, mocked by all the normal cows who are all gathered at the "cool" end of the field, yet too scared ever go into the bull field for fear of being chased and then raped. Occasionally, some lucky burgles are sold to travelling freak shows, and will enjoy several years of the high life, consisting of wearing fancy costumes and eating interesting food, before eventually being cast asside and left in some forest somewhere, where they might get mistaken for something evil and shot by a nasty man with a gun.

Now...

If a burgle is impregnated by a bull, often the resulting minicow or minibull will be born with either two vaginas or two penises, respectively. These strange animals are called plarns if they are male, or flennels if they are female. There is absolutely no benefit to this whatsoever, other than the ability to easily take part in group sex, or (female only) to simultaneously have sex whilst giving birth (thought to be the most profound experience of a flennel's life, during which time she will probably have an amazing out-of-body experience where she will float off up into the sky and have an in-depth and utterly fascinating discussion with the Cowgod, or so she thinks, the stupid mad bitch).

If a burgle impregnates a cow, the resulting offspring looks exactly like a normal little baby cow, but has no genitalia whatsoever. In fact, it doesn't even have a hole to urinate through. As a result, these animals usually just stand there continuously screaming with their eyes tightly shut (total and utter refusal to accept the sheer horror that they have been born into) and, if not euthensiafied by the kind farmer and his big axe, usually die from an exploding bladder.

(This alone is proof, if it were indeed still needed, that there is indeed no God, or if there is one, he/she/it is really Satan in disguise.)

If a burgle is impregnated by a stallion, the result is a giraffe-like creature with a penis for a nose and hands instead of ears.

If a burgle impregnates a mare, the resulting animal is born without ears or eyes, but four very uncontollable hypractive legs. As a result, once they are able to stand on their own four feet, they usually run around chaotically, legs flailing every which way, like some kind of demented, drug-crazed horsecow freak. The death rate is high for those born in fields situated right next to roads, as they usually blindly run into the path of some speeding rural boy-racer who's taking a short-cut home from the shopping mall.

Abrupt ending.