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Complete And Utter Bull

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Complete And Utter Bull
Everything You Don't Need To Not Didn't Know About Cattle

As we all know, all bulls have horns, cows never have horns, and all bulls are born with a ring through their nose. This ring is made from a similar kind of material to the horns, and grows bigger the older the bull gets. Therefore, you can easily tell a bull's age by how big its ring is.

Now, obviously, bulls are meant to mate with cows, in order to create minicows and minibulls which, as long as they don't run out into the road or accidentally get sat on, will one day grow up into big adult ones. If a bull accidentally mates with a mare (female horse), a sterile hybrid is born called a wazzock. These are noticable by their very short legs and extremely large heads. Whatever you do, don't ever stare at a wazzock. Trust me on this one. You really don't want to know what happens if you stare a wazzock right in the eye. I found out the hard way, and I'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.

Similarly, a similar thing happens if a cow accidentally gets mounted by a stallion (male horse) and he successfully leaves his semen inside her. The end result is a sterile animal called a schlong. These are recognisable due to their very small heads and their stupid long legs which are twice as long as normal.

However, occasionally cows (from normal cow and bull parents) are accidentally born intersex. These are referred to as burgles. There are thought to be approximately 1.7 million burgles wondering aimlessly round the planet, unsure of their sense of identity and with a general vague feeling of inadequacy. 247,000 burgles are thought to live in Britain alone. Often they live an isolated life, forced to stand at the other end of the field, mocked by all the normal cows who are all gathered at the "cool" end of the field, yet too scared ever go into the bull field for fear of being chased and then raped. Occasionally, some lucky burgles are sold to travelling freak shows, and will enjoy several years of the high life, consisting of wearing fancy costumes and eating interesting food, before eventually being cast asside and left in some forest somewhere, where they might get mistaken for something evil and shot by a nasty man with a gun.


If a burgle is impregnated by a bull, often the resulting minicow or minibull will be born with either two vaginas or two penises, respectively. These strange animals are called plarns if they are male, or flennels if they are female. There is absolutely no benefit to this whatsoever, other than the ability to easily take part in group sex, or (female only) to simultaneously have sex whilst giving birth (thought to be the most profound experience of a flennel's life, during which time she will probably have an amazing out-of-body experience where she will float off up into the sky and have an in-depth and utterly fascinating discussion with the Cowgod, or so she thinks, the stupid mad bitch).

If a burgle impregnates a cow, the resulting offspring looks exactly like a normal little baby cow, but has no genitalia whatsoever. In fact, it doesn't even have a hole to urinate through. As a result, these animals usually just stand there continuously screaming with their eyes tightly shut (total and utter refusal to accept the sheer horror that they have been born into) and, if not euthensiafied by the kind farmer and his big axe, usually die from an exploding bladder.

(This alone is proof, if it were indeed still needed, that there is indeed no God, or if there is one, he/she/it is really Satan in disguise.)

If a burgle is impregnated by a stallion, the result is a giraffe-like creature with a penis for a nose and hands instead of ears.

If a burgle impregnates a mare, the resulting animal is born without ears or eyes, but four very uncontollable hypractive legs. As a result, once they are able to stand on their own four feet, they usually run around chaotically, legs flailing every which way, like some kind of demented, drug-crazed horsecow freak. The death rate is high for those born in fields situated right next to roads, as they usually blindly run into the path of some speeding rural boy-racer who's taking a short-cut home from the shopping mall.

Abrupt ending.


My Other Blog: Sun-kissed

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  • I'm Marcus
  • From Wotton-under-Edge, Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
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