In relation to the health benefits of exercise, I read recently a quote by somebody I can't remember, which said: "Everyone should walk their dog everyday, even if they don't have one."

Today, as I set off walking my imaginary dog, nearly sliding over on the compressed snow down the lane, I passed a couple of dog-walkers, and immediately thought to myself, "Why not just have it killed, and then just pretend it still exists. It will save you a lot on food and vet bills." Actually, I didn't think that. I just needed some way to finish that sentence.

And now for the rest of this article. I really can't think what else to write. In fact, this sorry excuse for an article was all just a way for me to do that silly imaginary dog joke. I feel I somehow owe it to the universe to make this article something more substantial. As you can see, I have attempted to find a solution via typing whatevever comes into my head as I try to figure out what to write.

I think we can all agree this whole article has been a complete waste of not just my time, but your time too. I feel deeply ashamed. I feel that not only have I let myself down, but I'm also let my parents down. My mum gave birth to me from her huge vagina so that I could make use of my life, and what do I do with it? Write stupid things like this.

As a punishment, I'm going to lock myself in the cupboard under the stairs for 24 hours, with nothing to survive on but dead spiders and the pure black darkness itself, in an attempt to purify my soul.