One of the funniest things someone said to me recently, as we were
driving through Bristol, was:

"I really like Bristol, I think I'd really like to live here. There's so
many hot women. I think if I lived here I'd end up with every STD going.
I'd probably end up with AIDS of the face or something."

I laughed so much I almost crashed.

Another one was:

"Hey, let's ask that old man for directions. That man with the face like
a Cornish Pasty. Go on, go up to him and say 'Excuse me, but you've got
a face like a Cornish Pasty'".

I JUST HAD A PISS

It was a Monday, the first day of a damn black diagonal skyweek, when Ben saw the Raving Loonysod yet again, as always, poised screaming angry at the sky, "Aaarrrgghh, I hate you, you Fucksod, how dare you rain on me when I'm jumping in the happyfield, or shine sun on me when I am dancing in the sadroom like bangybang loonytrouser. I want to ram the ground down your face!"

It was always the same. It was always the same. It was always the same the whole damn time, even when it wasn't (which never happened, except when it did, which wasn't very often unless it was which it probably wasn't but I can't be completely sure) it was always the same unless it was different.

It was no use, but still he carried on raving at the sky like angryfaced shouthymouth. "Aaarrrggghhh! Green wobbly trouser bags to you, you big thing that spends the whole day being grey!"

"Oooh wacky bumtrouser elephant!" exclamed a man on a tricyle.

The End.

.............................

Note: this was actually written back in September 2009, but I forgot about it.

Once upon a space, many years ago and a long way away somewhere (I don't
know where it was), there was a tall man who ate things and walked and
danced and said hello to people (even people he didn't know). One place,
he was in a day, but it was a short day, so he had to crouch down, he
couldn't stand up and be his usual tall self. And he looked at other
people who were smaller and inside bigger days, and he thought to
himself, "Something's not right here." He would have said, "Something's
not right here, Audrey!" if there had been someone called Audrey
present, but there wasn't.

Anyway, so then the man (let's call him Robert, yes?) looked up at the
sky, and crouched in awe of the big blue almost-infinite expanse before
his face, and said, "Oh if only there were more strawberries in the world!"

At that moment, a small man appeared, not inside a day, but inside a
whole week! "How did you do that?" asked Robert, and then the man used a
knife to pierce Robert's day, and suddenly Robert was free to dance and
walk again, just like he did before this short day came along.

So with his day destroyed, Robert danced his way towards what can only
be described as "Something Which Cannot Be Described As Anything Other
Than 'The Big Amazing Indescribable Thing That Only One Person Is Able
To Describe, And He's Not Here, Nobody Knows Where He's Got To, He's
Always Going Missing, The Silly Man'", and "Oh, yes, amazing!" said
Robert with delight at whatever it was that he was looking at. And so he
danced and pranced and romanced until he flew into the sky and went
somewhere else, but not very far away at all really. In fact, he was
only floating up a short distance.

"Where have you gone, Robert?" said Timothy, who was busy dancing in one
place, out of time, out of his mind, out of money, and also fresh out of
your favourite type of apples as well (he should have planned ahead and
ordered enough, the silly man). "How could you abandon me, leaving me
here alone, without any apples or a mind or money or any time to spare.
Oh how silly you were to destroy the only day you had. Silly man. Come
back, I miss you."

"It's okay, Timothy, I'm only up here, I'm not far away!" said Robert,
floating above.

"But you're all the way up there!" said Timothy.

"But you can still hear me, right?" said, yes that's right, you guessed
it: Robbykins.

"Yes."

"Well shut up then, ya big girl's blouse!"

"How dare you!" Timothy exclaimed, offended.

"What?" Rob said, confused.

And then a pregnant giraffe appeared and ate them both (stupid bloody
strange pregnancy food cravings: Humans, Chocolate and Mayonaise).

The End.

Vote Underpants Man!

http://www.unclebertie.com/vote-underpants-man/

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