Why is it that if ever I tune into Channel 5 (now simply called "Five" - oh what a funky name!) early in the morning at weekends, I get Sky News? I don't even have Sky TV, but I can get Sky News at weekends. Five do their own news at other times of the day, so why not early in the morning at weekends? Are they all in bed because they've been up all night beating each other with sticks? Or perhaps Sky and Five are secretly the same company? What if everything is one company? What if someone buys that company and then turns it into a gigantic global brothel? What if the Police then close down that brothel, there will be no more anything, just naked unemployed newsreaders roaming the streets hunting for food.