Tell the Sky

New Website

2010-07-25T20:33:00.000+01:00

Okay, my new website is taking shape nicely. Go take a look at it:

Laughing at the Sky

I've worked quite hard on it over the last week to get it to a point
where I'm pretty happy with how it looks. Obviously, I will change
certain parts as time goes on. It will probably naturally evolve over
time. Also, there are sections without much in, but at least I've got
the layout how I want it. Also, there is a HUGE amount of stuff to
listen to in the Music section. Aside from the overall apearance, the
Music section has been the part I've been working on the most.

Also, if you want to stay constantly updated with what I put on there,
there is an RSS Feed and Twitter Account, which will both update
whenever I add a new post to the site. The Twitter account is plugged
directly into the site, so that will update automatically. However, if
RSS or Twitter aren't you're thing (and that's totally
understandable), then just stay on this e-mail list, and I'll try and
remember to post here when I put anything really good on the site. I
have, however, changed the name of this mailing list from MEJC to
Laughing at the Sky, but your membership remains the same (of course,
otherwise you wouldn't be getting this e-mail now).

The focus of this site is mainly my creative things. I'm trying to
make more of an effort to channel more of my energy into my creative
things again. I'm trying to get back into the photography and the
creative writing more, and one day, when I can afford to buy a new
soundcard and some good speakers, I'll get back into the music again.

I'm going to make a real effort to keep this site updated, even if
it's just me rambling on or ranting about some kind of stupid nonsense
whizzing round my head. Or if I can't think of anything else to post,
I'll just post a funny video or whatever.

If you spot any mistakes (e.g. typing errors or audio files that won't
play), let me know. The site isn't perfect yet, but there should be
enough there now for you to enjoy. I just want it to be a fun place
for me to share my creative stuff plus anything else I feel like
sharing.

I want this site to be 100% my thing, done my way, just me dancing to
the beat of my own strange drum. If it's your thing too, then just
enjoy it for what it is. If it's not your thing, then go find
something that is. I won't lose any sleep...

:-)

Cheers,
Marcus.

Update - Website, Inception, Woman and Old Friends

2010-07-19T14:13:00.001+01:00

By the way, I'm currently working on a totally new personal website. It's going to be so amazing, when you visit it you might actually die from an overdose of amazingness.

In other news...

I went to see the film Inception on Saturday night with my friends Harvey Warvey Pudding And Pie and American Mark. It was fantastic! Aside from the fact that it was very confusing, it got 100% in every way for me. Leonardo DiCaprio, the performances, the special effects, everything! Even the music was amazing!

Just before the film, on the way up the escalator to the screen, I think I temporarily fell in love with a woman in front of me. She had that look I really like, with the short hair and the whole kind of androgynous thing going on. She reminded me a bit of my ex actually, only even nicer and more sane (from what I could tell from such a brief moment - which isn't a lot really now I come to think about it). She sounded slightly forgeign (not sure where), and was stood next to this young guy who she was touching on the shoulder and saying to him, "You're such a handsome guy..."

I couldn't stop dreaming about her when I got home.

Anyway...

Went for a walk with my walking group yesterday. Saw really good old friends Darren and Bernie who I haven't seen for a while, and had such a fantastic day I think it almost gave me a nervous breakdown.

I think that's enough excitement for one week. Now I need to calm down and work on my new website...

Far Away Cliff Top

2010-07-15T20:38:00.001+01:00

Far away,
that's where everything seems to happen;

where, on blustery coastal cliff tops
old couples fly kites
and dream.

Half a mile away
a man stands alone,
smiling, waving,
wearing only his underpants.

Fantastic Sky Over Wotton-under-Edge on 2nd July 2010

2010-07-11T09:32:00.000+01:00

Bruce (A Microstory)

2010-06-30T18:15:00.000+01:00

There was a dog called Bruce who, at the age of 7 years 3 months 12 days
4 hours 17 minutes and a year, suddenly understood the meaning of the
entire universe, which, in his own words is "Woof woof bark bark barkety
woofy woof," which when translated from Dog into English means "We are
all made the big clay of time." One day, his owner, Barbara, made a clay
model of herself, which exploded and caused the fire alarm to go off the
entire block of flats. The fire service were called, and Bruce bit one
of the firemen on the leg. The bite went septic, then gangrene, and
eventually the leg had to be amputated, so he had to retire from the
fire service, so he started a business selling dog meat to London's
Chinese minority.

Icarus Feeling

2010-06-24T14:22:00.001+01:00

I said:
I think I need to be careful
because
if I get much higher
I just might take flight

She said:
I had this beautiful dream last night,
I think I tried to drink the sun...

One Sock

2010-06-23T15:56:00.001+01:00

There's just one sock in my bedroom.
I don't know where there other one is.
I need to find the other sock.
Who's taken this sock and not brought it back?
It's certainly not on my foot, so where is it?

Where is this sock?
It's not here.
I've only got the one sock.
Please someone bring back the other sock,
or, Sock, oh Lonely Sock,
if you know where you are hiding,
please come back, so I can wear you on my foot again.

T is for Tesco

2010-06-21T18:33:00.001+01:00

T is for Tesco.
H is for Helicopter.
Put them both together,
and we can all go shopping in the sky.

B is for Banana.
X is for Xylophone.
Put them both together,
and you can make a musical pie.
(this only works as an absurd imaginary idea, not as an actual recipe to serve your family as a desert with their dinner)

E is for Egg.
D is for Dave.
Put them both together,
and it's a man eating his dinner.
(whilst an egg would work as a dinner, but rather than eat it by itself, have it with something else, you know such as a piece of lettuce or a jam sandwhich, you know, the usual kind of thing)

L is for Love.
F is for Free.
If you don't need to pay,
you're onto a winner.
(unles of course you are Michael Winner, in which case: calm down dear)

She looked at me with a face

2010-06-21T16:22:00.001+01:00

She looked at me, with a face that seemed to say:
If all the money
in all the countries
in all the world
was spent on turning the sky
a brighter shade of blue,
what colour knickers am I wearing?
but what she actually said was:
"Eagle eye bent sky rasperry handlebar moustache"

Well,
I must say,
there's really no easy way to answer that,
is there?

Spending money is fun

2010-06-21T11:15:00.001+01:00

Spending money is fun.
It creates an illusion
that what you're doing isn't a complete waste of...
not time, but
the only moment you really ever have.

Bill Bailey, Bristol & Bath

2010-06-20T21:42:00.000+01:00

Saw Bill Bailey live in Bristol last night. It was everything I expected it to be and more. I laughed a lot and was not bored for even one second. Bill was on top form, and it was great to be sat out in the fresh air (the chairs were laid out on the lawn of Ashton Gate Football Stadium). It was fun when he remarked on the surprisingly beautiful weather (Something like "This is all very weird...sunshine in England in the summer..."), the moon in the sky, and also a seagul that randomly flew past. Bill got a standing ovation at the end of the set. Everybody loved him. It was a real homecoming gig for him, since he grew up in the area. What's always amazing about Bill though, is how he makes it all look so easy and effortless. He's just a naturally funny guy who also happens to be a virtuoso musician, and he combines the two seamlessly.

There were five of us who went to the gig together: Me, Dan, American Mark, American Mark's English Girlfriend, and American Mark's English Girlfriend's Friend (also English). At the end of the gig, Mark (who is from New York City and has a cheeky mischievous face) was trying to pursuade us to all pile into a Taxi ("Google says it's 4 miles all the way back to Dan's house..."). Dan said he didn't mind (typical Dan, hates the possibility of ever causing offense or upset to anyone, and so hence always refuses take responsibility for any decision making). Mark said to me, "Right, so make a decision," so I said, "Umm, okay, we'll walk and save money." Mark and the two women went to the Taxi while Dan and me started walking (along with thousands of other people) in the general direction of the city centre. It took us about 75 minutes to get back to Dan's house, but the time flew really quickly because we talked so much. I can talk for England if I'm on a subject I'm interested in and I'm talking to someone who doesn't interrupt much (and Dan doesn't like to interrupt much, because he seems to have a constant fear of causing any kind of offence ot anyone). If the conversation subject is something I'm not interested in, or the person likes to interrupt a lot, I can't talk for England, I talk for Japan instead, like an English person who doesn't know any Japanese and therefore doesn't say anything. I'm not sure this joke really works. Most of the time my jokes only make sense to me and nobody else, but this joke, I'm not even sure I understand it either. By the way, that last bit is what I would classify as "the kind of joke that only makes sense to me and nobody else". If it made sense to you, and you're female and under the age of about 35, we need to talk. It could be that we're meant to fall in love or something. I don't know. I don't really understand how these things work.

Anyway...

Drove back to Bristol today, to catch up on something I started. Let me explain...

I had the idea back in April to celebrate the entire Month of June as a Birthmonth, rather than settling for just one day as a Birthday. My idea was, that I would try to pack as many fun activities into the 4 weekends of June that I could. My plan was, half of the activities would be exciting activities with friends, and the other half would be more relaxed solitary activities such as art galleries, museums, etc.

The first weekend it was Mountain Biking with friends followed by a trip to Berkley Castle by myself. Last weekend it was Go Ape (organised tree climbing) with friends followed by visiting 4 different art galleries in Bristol. It turned out that one of the art galleries didn't have an exhibition on last weekend, but they did this weekend, so today I went back there to see it. I saw that one of the attendants (a young woman) seemed to look at me once or twice, so I went over to speak to her ("Did you make any of these pieces?..."). I wanted to speak to her again after I'd gone round that part of the gallery, but she has disappeared after that, so when I got home I found her website, and now I'm going to stalk her until I get arrested.

Anyway, it was all very interesting. Lots of alternative stuff. Lots of weird sound and video things, and various moving objects. Worth the walk across the city, I reckon. But then that's all part of it, the urban hiking. As a country boy who claims to be forever in love with the rural life (including, but not limited to, hiking, tree climbing, trespassing and scaring sheep), urban hiking is like a secret pleasure of mine.

Anyway, that's not the end of my day. I was back at my car by 3pm, and drove to Bath to visit the Victoria Art Gallery. The downstairs gallery of new stuff was close (it seems to be a bit of a lottery sometimes, this art gallery thing), but the upstairs gallery of old paintings was open, so I went up there. I spotted one painting which I was sure I'd seen somewhere else recently. I couldn't decide whether I'd seen it in a gallery in Bristol, or in a dream I had. I was so disturbed by this, I walked all the way back across the room and asked the member of staff if it was a copy. Half way through her comprehensive reply regarding which pieces had copies and which didn't (this particular one didn't, she said) I suddenly realised I had probably seen it on the website that morning before I came.

After that, I walked around Bath for a bit, around the River and stuff. It was fucking excellent weather! I don't normally like to swear when I'm not angry (and even then I prefer to stay away from the F-word, opting instead for safer words such as cunt), but the weather really was that good. Sat on a bench next to the river, and tried to become as conscious as possible of the experience of a perfect summer day in a beautiful city. This picture doesn't even come close...

Next weekend is Crazy Golf and Cycling...

Last Night at Julia's House

2010-06-18T08:27:00.000+01:00

Last night I went to a party at my friend Julia's new house in a rough area of Bristol, to celebrate her birthday and also moving into her new place. I don't normally go to parties, but Julia is great and I haven't seen her for an entire year, which is totally absurd. How did that happen??? We need to stop this kind of thing from happening. Anyway, at least now I know where she lives, so maybe I can start camping in her garden...

Anyway, I took my friend Dan along, because he lives nearby. Apart from Julia, I didn't know anyone else, so me and Dan ended up just talking amonst ourselves in a corner of the garden while everyone else sat round a big table. I lectured Dan at length about how I think of Days and Months in terms of different colours, and how one day I hope to be an internet millionaire with a lovely house on a hill overlooking Stroud, perhaps with nude female servants and a pet giraffe...

Towards the end of the evening, a woman came and sat next to us and started chatting to us. Dan didn't really say anything, so I chatted away to her. She told me about how singing in a band with Julia is really the only fun time she gets away from her kids. She also told me all about her painful foot. I said to her: "This is the most I've ever learned about a stranger's foot." I then proceeded to tell her all about how I injured my knees earlier in the year, so I guess we ended up even.

About 10:30 we walked back towards Dan's house along the main road. I was definately out of my comfort zone. Saturday night on the streets a major city, not my idea of a good place to be really. One guy asked us if we had a spare pound, and when we said "No, sorry," he said, "Argh, what the fuck's wrong with you, man! I hope you guys get beaten up and stabbed or something!" A bit rude...

Further up the road we passed a busy pub, with Police stood next to a young man holding his wounded head after probably being smashed with a bottle.

Is this really peoples idea of a good time?

And they all laugh at me for wanting to climb trees...

Idea for a Satirical Cartoon in the Style of Gary Larson's The Far Side

2010-06-16T19:00:00.001+01:00

Idea for a Satirical Cartoon in the Style of Gary Larson's The Far Side

PICTURE:

A monkey underneath a giraffe, sucking milk from its udder.

Two scientists stand watching from a moderate distance.
One turns and says to the other:
"I'm sorry, George, I was wrong when I said we're the only animal on Earth that drinks the baby food of another species".

This is Not a Poem

2010-06-16T18:59:00.001+01:00

This it not a poem
It's just a stupid rhyme
If I got paid five pounds per word
I'd write them all the time

I wish I had more arms and legs
For dancing round the trees
I'd dance all day if someone paid me
For doing things like these

If I could earn five hundred pounds
For walking like a spastic
I'd walk like that all damn day long
Whilst wearing only plastic

Uncle Bertie Episode 35 - Dominus Gearstick

2010-06-16T18:47:00.001+01:00

Uncle Bertie Episode 35 - Dominus Gearstick

In this new episode of the Award Winning* online comedy series Trampoline Bouncing With Uncle Bertie, radio presenter Simon Bumtrousers interviews a man who claims to be a Transformer.

* the Big Brown Banana Award, presented to us at the Monkey Awards Ceremony in Monkeytown, Monkeyland, Planet Monkey, the Monkey Way Gallaxy, in some bizarre parallel universe.

Uncle Bertie: Episode 33 – Sex Line

2010-05-31T12:37:00.001+01:00

Episode 33 - Sex Line

Professor MxAndrew: A Lecture

2010-05-18T12:53:00.001+01:00

Professor McAndrew: A Lecture
An interesting and informative lecture from Professor McAndrew on life. This truly is a "must hear" for anyone who has an appreciation for intelligent discussions on important topics.

The Pooey BogBottom of Online Freelance Writing

2010-05-12T13:18:00.001+01:00

For anyone that doesn't know, I've just started to dip my toe into the world of online freelance writing. This means I get paid money up front for every article I write. It's not wonderful money, but at least it allows me the option of working in my underpants.

Anyway, here is a conversation I just had via PM on Freelancer.com...

Him: what is your rate for 500 words

Me: $3.50

Him: my rate is 1$ per 500 words

Me: That's rubbish. You'll only get Indians for that!

Him: did i mention in my bid i need natives

Me: Native American Indians?

At this point I was really gearing up for an exciting conversation. I was expecting to be accused of being racist or zenophobic or something, or for him to start insulting me or whatever. I thought it was going to be fun, but all that he said in response was this:

Him: well if you agree on rates ok otherwise its ok

How disappointing...

Anyway, I'm off out now to have lunch down by the stream, and aint no-one gonna stop me. No, not even you, with your stupid flappy arms, flapping about all over the place like a stupid flappy person.

One of the Funniest Things Someone Said to Me Recently

2010-04-30T15:00:00.001+01:00

One of the funniest things someone said to me recently, as we were
driving through Bristol, was:

"I really like Bristol, I think I'd really like to live here. There's so
many hot women. I think if I lived here I'd end up with every STD going.
I'd probably end up with AIDS of the face or something."

I laughed so much I almost crashed.

Another one was:

"Hey, let's ask that old man for directions. That man with the face like
a Cornish Pasty. Go on, go up to him and say 'Excuse me, but you've got
a face like a Cornish Pasty'".

Extremely Important Announcement That I Feel Utterly Compelled To Broadcast To Everyone

2010-04-29T19:15:00.001+01:00

I JUST HAD A PISS

Thunder Monday

2010-04-26T19:49:00.001+01:00

It was a Monday, the first day of a damn black diagonal skyweek, when Ben saw the Raving Loonysod yet again, as always, poised screaming angry at the sky, "Aaarrrgghh, I hate you, you Fucksod, how dare you rain on me when I'm jumping in the happyfield, or shine sun on me when I am dancing in the sadroom like bangybang loonytrouser. I want to ram the ground down your face!"

It was always the same. It was always the same. It was always the same the whole damn time, even when it wasn't (which never happened, except when it did, which wasn't very often unless it was which it probably wasn't but I can't be completely sure) it was always the same unless it was different.

It was no use, but still he carried on raving at the sky like angryfaced shouthymouth. "Aaarrrggghhh! Green wobbly trouser bags to you, you big thing that spends the whole day being grey!"

"Oooh wacky bumtrouser elephant!" exclamed a man on a tricyle.

The End.

.............................

Note: this was actually written back in September 2009, but I forgot about it.

Once Upon a Space

2010-04-26T19:46:00.001+01:00

Once upon a space, many years ago and a long way away somewhere (I don't
know where it was), there was a tall man who ate things and walked and
danced and said hello to people (even people he didn't know). One place,
he was in a day, but it was a short day, so he had to crouch down, he
couldn't stand up and be his usual tall self. And he looked at other
people who were smaller and inside bigger days, and he thought to
himself, "Something's not right here." He would have said, "Something's
not right here, Audrey!" if there had been someone called Audrey
present, but there wasn't.

Anyway, so then the man (let's call him Robert, yes?) looked up at the
sky, and crouched in awe of the big blue almost-infinite expanse before
his face, and said, "Oh if only there were more strawberries in the world!"

At that moment, a small man appeared, not inside a day, but inside a
whole week! "How did you do that?" asked Robert, and then the man used a
knife to pierce Robert's day, and suddenly Robert was free to dance and
walk again, just like he did before this short day came along.

So with his day destroyed, Robert danced his way towards what can only
be described as "Something Which Cannot Be Described As Anything Other
Than 'The Big Amazing Indescribable Thing That Only One Person Is Able
To Describe, And He's Not Here, Nobody Knows Where He's Got To, He's
Always Going Missing, The Silly Man'", and "Oh, yes, amazing!" said
Robert with delight at whatever it was that he was looking at. And so he
danced and pranced and romanced until he flew into the sky and went
somewhere else, but not very far away at all really. In fact, he was
only floating up a short distance.

"Where have you gone, Robert?" said Timothy, who was busy dancing in one
place, out of time, out of his mind, out of money, and also fresh out of
your favourite type of apples as well (he should have planned ahead and
ordered enough, the silly man). "How could you abandon me, leaving me
here alone, without any apples or a mind or money or any time to spare.
Oh how silly you were to destroy the only day you had. Silly man. Come
back, I miss you."

"It's okay, Timothy, I'm only up here, I'm not far away!" said Robert,
floating above.

"But you're all the way up there!" said Timothy.

"But you can still hear me, right?" said, yes that's right, you guessed
it: Robbykins.

"Yes."

"Well shut up then, ya big girl's blouse!"

"How dare you!" Timothy exclaimed, offended.

"What?" Rob said, confused.

And then a pregnant giraffe appeared and ate them both (stupid bloody
strange pregnancy food cravings: Humans, Chocolate and Mayonaise).

The End.

Vote Underpants Man

2010-04-22T19:02:00.001+01:00

Vote Underpants Man!

http://www.unclebertie.com/vote-underpants-man/

Poetry Time

2010-04-05T11:24:00.000+01:00

Hey you
There's something new
On our site
That you might
Want to
Listen to:

Poetry Time

72 Pressups

2010-02-15T18:39:00.001Z

This morning I did 72 pressups.

This is how I did it:

2 - rest
4 - rest
6 - rest
8 - rest
10 - rest
12 - LONG REST

That's 42

Then I went back to the beginning:

2 - rest
4 - rest
6 - rest
8 - rest
10

That's another 30

TOTAL: 72

You can't beat the endorphin buzz you get from doing something like
that. A great way to start the day...

Fetlock & Common Wombles

2010-02-10T15:12:00.001Z

Last night I was lying in bed reading my dictionary. Trust me, it's a great way to get to sleep.

Anyway, I came across this word I've never seen before.

Fetlock: projection behind and above a horse's hoof.

I immediately imagined someone crouched down behind a horse's back leg (a risky move, if you ask me!) with some kind of image projecting device, like maybe projecting a movie onto a nearby wall, or maybe even a hologram into thin air. Something like this perhaps.

For some reason, this is how my mind works. It never seems to go for the most sensible answer first. This life-long affliction I consider both a disability and a limitless source of amusement.

It's like, years ago, when I used to watch The Wombles, the theme song went: "The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we."

I mean, I'm not from London. As a kid, I knew nothing at all about the London area, except that it was big and noisy and where my uncle David lived. I had no idea that there was a place called "Wimbledon Common". Well, I'd heard of the place called Wimbledon, because they play tennis there, but I just never knew it had a common. So I thought the lyrics were:

The Wombles of Wimbledon,
common are we.

For most of my childhood, I thought that the Wimbledon area was full of these womble creatures. You know, that maybe Wimbledon didn't contain any normal people, just tennis players and wombles. Possibly even tennis playing wombles. Off-season of course.

It's alright for you. Just close this e-mail once you've read it. I have to live live inside this silly brain 24/7.

FACT TIME

2010-01-22T18:06:00.001Z

*** Fact Time ***
Time To Feed You Little Factmorsels For You To Eat With Your Eyemouth. Yum Yum!

30 Amazing Facts In No Particular Order
(Other Than The Order That I Wrote Them In)

Special Clever Scientists have now proven that there are now more facts than there used to be.
The same scientists have also proven that there used to be less facts than there are now.
Fact-based knowledge is better than non-fact based knowledge, also called LIES.
Every day, 0.732 Million people lie without realising it.
2+2=4
Planet Earth (also called The World) is a not a planet but an egg.
7-8=56
A squirrel invented the first parachute.
Life.
E=MC Squared, where E is Egg, M is Marzipan, C is Cow, and the Square is really a Circle.
X=Y/Z, where X is Xylophone, Y is Yoghurt and Z is Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout.
1+1=2, where the first 1 is 3, the second 1 is 7, and 2 is Egg.
It is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.
It is also physically impossible to dance your way to the Moon.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It's also impossible to sneeze if you have just died or if you don't have a mouth or if you are a lamp post.
If A+B=C, then what does D+E=? F, but only where A is Aardvark, B is Boomerang, C is Cow, D is Dinosaur, E is Egg and F is Baby Dinosaur.
If 1+2=3, then this means that 4+5=6. However, this is only true where 6 is 9.
If T+W+E+L+V+E = Twelve, then this means that 1+2=12 also. However, this is only true where 1 is 10 or where 2 is 11, but not both, because that makes 21, which as we all know is 2+1 not 1+2.
A chicken is just an Egg's way of making another Egg.
The Monkey Valve on a car (used for turning petrol into fire, and then subsequently into rotational energy, also called "spinny energy" by scientists, engineers and wizards) is made from the same material that bread is made from - egg.
"She Sells Sea Shells On The Sea Shore", but only on beaches where the shells are made from egg.
Fact number 24 is a lie.
Fact number 23 is true.
Fact number 25 is an elephant.
Fact number 26 is fact number 26.
Fact number 26 is fact number 26.
Fact number 28 isn't.
Fact number 29 is egg.
Fact number 30 is also egg.

*************************************************************************

DISCUSSION & ANALYSIS
World Renouned Intellectual and Lesbian Scientist Marcus Cross Discusses His List of 30 Facts.

Hello Marcus, and thank you for talking to us. We know how busy and important you are, so we really appreciate it.

"Hello, and that's alright, it makes me feel loved and appreciated."

Please tell us about this list of facts.

"Is it okay if I discuss them in list form?"

Yes, please do.

"Okay. Here is my list of facts about the list of facts:

I wrote this list myself.
All of it is true, apart from the bits of it that aren't, and even those might be, you don't know.
I was originally going to write more than 30 facts.
There is one fact missing from the list. It is a very important one, but I didn't feel it was important to list it.
Next year I'm going to release an encyclopedia full of my own facts. This will help people learn the truth about the world and life and everything, instead of all those lies that all the other books contain. And as we have learned already today, lies aren't real facts, they are pretend fact pretending to be real facts when they're not really REAL real they're pretend real. Stupid bloody carry-on. All of my facts are true apart from the ones that aren't, but we have already been through this. Pay attention. Stop gazing out the windows at the trees."

Warm Imaginary Grapefruit Day

2010-01-15T18:32:00.001Z

Warm Imaginary Grapefruit Day
A Very Short Nonsense Poem. It's So Weird That Not Even The Title Makes Any Sense.

Bed head hat hair.
Marshmallow dungerees.
Time.

********************************************************************

POETRY DISCUSSION & ANALYSIS
Groundbreaking Poet & Lesbian Rights Activist Marcus Cross Explains The Meaning Of His Utterly Thought-Provoking Poem Warm Imaginary Grapefruit Day.

Hello Marcus, thank you for joining us today.

"Hello, and that's alright, I was coming past this way anyway."

Please, tell us about your new poem Warm Imaginary Grapefruit Day.

"Okay. Well, really, when you break beneath the surface meaning about elephants and skateboarding in the sky, it's really about the suffering that Male Lesbians experience on a daily basis. It's about identity. It's about fighting for basic human rights."

I see.

"But beyond that there is another side to it. It's about the infinite expansive wonder of the universe and how we as a human race came to imagine ourselves into existence. After having spent many millions of hundreds of thousands of billions of squillions of many aeons existing as just one big floating consciousness the size of more light years than there are red blood cells in your body, we then broke into many pieces, called Consciousness Fragments. These fragments of awareness eventually formed into planets, and eventually smaller fragments of consciousness, formed from the accidental colliding of bigger fragments, settled onto the planets and so hence thus therefore the wild hallucinatory illusion of seperate physical life forms emerged."

Oh. So you're saying none of us really exists?

"That's right."

So I'm not really here, then?

"That's exactly what I'm saying, yes."

Oh dear.

Walking the Imaginary Dog

2010-01-14T20:01:00.000Z

Walking the Imaginary Dog
This is Where the Subheading Goes. I Can't Think What to Put Here.

In relation to the health benefits of exercise, I read recently a quote by somebody I can't remember, which said: "Everyone should walk their dog everyday, even if they don't have one."

Today, as I set off walking my imaginary dog, nearly sliding over on the compressed snow down the lane, I passed a couple of dog-walkers, and immediately thought to myself, "Why not just have it killed, and then just pretend it still exists. It will save you a lot on food and vet bills." Actually, I didn't think that. I just needed some way to finish that sentence.

And now for the rest of this article. I really can't think what else to write. In fact, this sorry excuse for an article was all just a way for me to do that silly imaginary dog joke. I feel I somehow owe it to the universe to make this article something more substantial. As you can see, I have attempted to find a solution via typing whatevever comes into my head as I try to figure out what to write.

I think we can all agree this whole article has been a complete waste of not just my time, but your time too. I feel deeply ashamed. I feel that not only have I let myself down, but I'm also let my parents down. My mum gave birth to me from her huge vagina so that I could make use of my life, and what do I do with it? Write stupid things like this.

As a punishment, I'm going to lock myself in the cupboard under the stairs for 24 hours, with nothing to survive on but dead spiders and the pure black darkness itself, in an attempt to purify my soul.

Complete And Utter Bull

2010-01-13T19:07:00.001Z

Complete And Utter Bull
Everything You Don't Need To Not Didn't Know About Cattle

As we all know, all bulls have horns, cows never have horns, and all bulls are born with a ring through their nose. This ring is made from a similar kind of material to the horns, and grows bigger the older the bull gets. Therefore, you can easily tell a bull's age by how big its ring is.

Now, obviously, bulls are meant to mate with cows, in order to create minicows and minibulls which, as long as they don't run out into the road or accidentally get sat on, will one day grow up into big adult ones. If a bull accidentally mates with a mare (female horse), a sterile hybrid is born called a wazzock. These are noticable by their very short legs and extremely large heads. Whatever you do, don't ever stare at a wazzock. Trust me on this one. You really don't want to know what happens if you stare a wazzock right in the eye. I found out the hard way, and I'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.

Similarly, a similar thing happens if a cow accidentally gets mounted by a stallion (male horse) and he successfully leaves his semen inside her. The end result is a sterile animal called a schlong. These are recognisable due to their very small heads and their stupid long legs which are twice as long as normal.

However, occasionally cows (from normal cow and bull parents) are accidentally born intersex. These are referred to as burgles. There are thought to be approximately 1.7 million burgles wondering aimlessly round the planet, unsure of their sense of identity and with a general vague feeling of inadequacy. 247,000 burgles are thought to live in Britain alone. Often they live an isolated life, forced to stand at the other end of the field, mocked by all the normal cows who are all gathered at the "cool" end of the field, yet too scared ever go into the bull field for fear of being chased and then raped. Occasionally, some lucky burgles are sold to travelling freak shows, and will enjoy several years of the high life, consisting of wearing fancy costumes and eating interesting food, before eventually being cast asside and left in some forest somewhere, where they might get mistaken for something evil and shot by a nasty man with a gun.

Now...

If a burgle is impregnated by a bull, often the resulting minicow or minibull will be born with either two vaginas or two penises, respectively. These strange animals are called plarns if they are male, or flennels if they are female. There is absolutely no benefit to this whatsoever, other than the ability to easily take part in group sex, or (female only) to simultaneously have sex whilst giving birth (thought to be the most profound experience of a flennel's life, during which time she will probably have an amazing out-of-body experience where she will float off up into the sky and have an in-depth and utterly fascinating discussion with the Cowgod, or so she thinks, the stupid mad bitch).

If a burgle impregnates a cow, the resulting offspring looks exactly like a normal little baby cow, but has no genitalia whatsoever. In fact, it doesn't even have a hole to urinate through. As a result, these animals usually just stand there continuously screaming with their eyes tightly shut (total and utter refusal to accept the sheer horror that they have been born into) and, if not euthensiafied by the kind farmer and his big axe, usually die from an exploding bladder.

(This alone is proof, if it were indeed still needed, that there is indeed no God, or if there is one, he/she/it is really Satan in disguise.)

If a burgle is impregnated by a stallion, the result is a giraffe-like creature with a penis for a nose and hands instead of ears.

If a burgle impregnates a mare, the resulting animal is born without ears or eyes, but four very uncontollable hypractive legs. As a result, once they are able to stand on their own four feet, they usually run around chaotically, legs flailing every which way, like some kind of demented, drug-crazed horsecow freak. The death rate is high for those born in fields situated right next to roads, as they usually blindly run into the path of some speeding rural boy-racer who's taking a short-cut home from the shopping mall.

Abrupt ending.

Bad News Again

2009-12-31T19:47:00.001Z

It's all bad news again today.
More people dead.
More things going wrong.

The world is falling apart,
they keep saying,
and it's all your fault
for not behaving yourselves,

There's evil out there,
they keep saying.
There's evil out there, and we've got to fight it,

All the money's run out
they keep saying.
All the money's run out,
even though it never really existed.

Spend spend spend
the adverts all say.
Spend as much as you can,
and then spend some more,
or you'll never be happy.

You've got to fit in
they say.
You've got to stand out
they say.

You've got to FIGHT for PEACE
they say.

You've got to stand on the hill
and wave your arms in celebration
as the planes fly by...

Inevitable Failure

2009-12-29T15:58:00.001Z

LIFE IS GREAT,
but
there is one unavoidable truth
you will never escape:

People get old
and then die.

Sooner or later
everybody fails.

Every summer
leads to autumn,
and eventually
winter.

..............................

This is another one from 6 months ago. This one also makes me chuckle, especially when I think of what inspired it. I had been watching scrubs, and JD said the line "Sooner or later, everybody fails."

Make of it what you will...

The Big Field at Stratford Park on a Sunny Day

2009-12-29T15:55:00.001Z

Memories
arising like sulfur
from the ashes
of a volcanic dream.

I've been here before,
swimming through fields
of sunshine-filled
imagination.

Scream
             at the sky,
             at the days.

I want
        a reason,
        a purpose.

That's why I came here.

Somewhere to belong.
Somewhere for old memories to belong,
building up into something more
than they can ever live up to.

Falling into time.
Feel the drowning.
Feel the drowning.

...drowning in sunshine
and trees
and
        ...time...

I feel
like I'm returning back
to an old, comfortable
dream.

I feel
       the uncontrollable,
       the days,
       all the words
                            left unspoken.

I feel dreams
as they unfold
like a new day.
                                       an imaginary day
                                        left dancing in the long grass

Forms - thought forms,
unfolding, expanding,
like arms.......................embracing the sky.

And...
dreams are only thoughts,
and thoughts are only dreams,
and
memories are the heart and soul,
beating deep down
beating deep,
deep down...

Feelings, unspoken in unknown places,
on the edge, peripheral,
always ---------------------------------------------- just slightly out of reach

This is where the magic is.
This is where
the magic
is.

This is
where dreams unfold,
where flowers grow
and then die
in quiet corners of fields.

This is the place,
where nobody goes,
where all the unsaid words ............................ sit whispering in the corner

This is where
all the still-born and aborted dreams
lay buried,
decomposing in the dark soil
beneath old forgotten trees.

The faint smell drifts across the hills
as I am drawn towards the distant view
and
I feel like I'm back where I belong
yet again.

I always end up back here,
like a bird
flying home for the summer,

And
it's never looked so perfect,
it's never looked so
swim in time and upside-down and
flowers in the sky and distant views of
past and future and present moment expand up beyond
and blades of long grass swaying so hot so touching eyes and breeze
and forest hidden deep dark sky between the leaves
and days so lost...

just
let it go...

let it all drift away
on the breeze...

....................................

Note:
I wrote this back in the summer, and left it sitting on my computer for six months. If you understand what it means, please tell me, because I'm not entirely sure. Bits of it actually made me chuckle.

Time Stands Still

2009-12-29T15:46:00.001Z

Time stands still.
Life flies by
at an incredible speed.

Woooooooosshhhh!.....

"Come back!" I shout.
"Come back! You're going too fast!
I can't keep up!"

I dream I'm standing forever
in amongst the trees
at midnight,

but somehow
it's light all around.

Merry Christmas From Uncle Bertie

2009-12-24T17:34:00.001Z

Hello you Mellow Yellow Fellow!

Happy Holidays to you all.

Check out our latest Uncle Bertie episode:
Christmas With Boring Norman

8-)

Marcus.

The English Language & The Strange Way It's Used These Days

2009-12-23T18:41:00.001Z

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Midgets and the Transgendered,

Today I am going to talk about the English Language.

Or more precisely, how certain modern uses of the English language just don't make any sense.

E-mail/Mail

E-mail stands for Electronic Mail, the electronic form of the word Mail.

Mail is the collective term for what the postwoman (or man, or post-transgendered-person, or postmidget) delivers to your door. If we were going to check to see what they had delivered, we might say "I'm going to check my mail." If you were going to write something to send to someone, you might say, "I'm going to write a letter."

So why, please tell me, do people now say: "I'm going to check my e-mails" or "I've just received an e-mail" or "I'm writing an e-mail" ????

Surely they should be saying things like, "I'm going to check my e-mail" (no "s"), "I've just received an e-letter" or "I'm writing an e-letter" ????

Also:
What if someone sends you a file attachement? Isn't that an e-parcel?

The Media

Many people these days seem to take "The Media" to mean "The News". It doesn't mean The News at all. The News USES The Media to get the news to The People.

Media is the plural of Medium. TV is a Medium. Radio is a Medium. Newspapers are a Medium. Magazines are a Medium. Books are a Medium. The World Wide Web is a Medium? Or is it the Internet? What's the difference between those two? Well, The Internet is the physical network of computers, whereas the World Wide Web refers to the websites containing all the information. The World Wide Web and E-mail are two functions of The Internet. So I suppose it is The Internet which is the Medium (like a TV is), whereas the World Wide Web and E-mail are like the TV shows that appear on TV, they are what it is used for.

But I'm getting side-tracked here...

The Media can also include the following:

Oil Paint
Clay
Charcoal
Pencils
Pens
Plastercine
Watercolour Paint
Crayons
etc...

Why?

Well, because an art teacher might say to an art student: "What medium are you going to use for your next piece of art?" And Media is merely the plural of Medium.

The reason why many people take The Media to mean The News, is because The News is the most frequent use of The Media, because there are always new things to tell people. New lies and half baked truths to get people to accept. Newspapers, The Internet, The TV, The Radio, these are all good ways to sell your version of the days events to the general public. Hence, the common useage of The Media comes to mean News Via TV, Newspapers, Radio or The Internet.

I mean, if there was some breaking news, BBC News aren't going to manufacture sculptures that represent the new information. It's just not cost- or time-effective.

But it's still Media.

And that also means Multimedia could mean creating a piece of art using a variety of media, for example pencils, paint, sculpture, and maybe a TV balanced on the top of the sculture repeatedly flashing the words "News Flash: Everything You Think You Are Exists Only As Thoughts Or Memories."

Shan't & Won't

We all know that Don't is the abreviation of Do Not.

But what is Shan't the abreviation of? Shall Not? Well shouldn't it be written as Sha'n't?

What about Won't? Is that an abreviation of Will Not? Well then shouldn't that be Wi'n't?

Regular/Frequent

People often say Regular when they really mean Frequent.

Think about it.

Frequent means How Often something happens.
Regular merely refers to whether or not it happens at evenly-spaced time intervals.

For example, Christmas happens regularly. Only once a year, but it's the exact same date every year. That's EXTREMELY regular. Whereas if I had a cold I might cough FREQUENTLY, but I'm not coughing REGULARLY. I'm not coughing precisely once every minute, at exactly the same time each time.

Txt Spk

If u thnk wrtg lk ths is cul u cn fk off and di. I dnt evn wana no u.

Santa's Grotto

2009-12-20T09:42:00.000Z

Oh, I almost forgot to mention...

Check out our new comedy episode:

Santa's Grotto

Another Apology (Plus Another Story)

2009-12-20T09:34:00.001Z

That last message got caught by the spam filter again, and arrived 2
days late again. I don't know! What is this world coming to?!¿?

What's next? I'll go to the bank to draw out some money, but they'll
have to ring me on my mobile phone to check it's really me?! Or maybe
one day the Police will turn up at my parent's house, and they'll be
like, "Who are you? Why are you here in this house?" and I'll be like,
"They're my parents," and the Police will be like, "Why are you still
living here?" and I'll be like, "I'm too poor to live anywhere else at
the moment, without resorting to floating my body on the stock market."

Anyway, time for a proper story...

Once upon a time (11am yesterday - or if the spam filter catches this
message, a 11am 3 days ago), a man called Gerald woke up (he'd had a
late night the night before, staying up surfing the internet for answers
to the question "Why isn't Planet Earth cube-shaped?"), and yawned a big
yawny-faced yawn, so wide he nearly swallowed his own head (that's how
tired he was).

But oh - shock horror! Right at that moment, a cat flew past in a remote
controlled helicopter. It looked terrified and bemused, flapping its
paws around, and had an expression on its face which said: "Why does
this kind of thing always have to happen to me?"

The End.

An Apology (plus a Story)

2009-12-18T19:45:00.001Z

I wish to apologise for any tie-ping errors you may have noticed in my
last massage, if you bothered to read it. I suppose I must have been so
frantic to get the message out about the spam filter.

If you didn't bother to read it, you really have no idea what you
missed. I answered the actual riddle to meaning of life, and there you
are totally oblivious. Poor you, in your little world of sitting in a
chair eating smarties and scratching your elbows. Elbows, elbows,
felbows, melbows, trelbows, wibbly wobbly hibbly wobbly dungerees. Etc.

Anyway, who wants to hear a little story?

Okay, then I shall begin...

Once upon a time (not very long ago, but long enough ago that you
definately wouldn't have been alive when it happened, whatever it is
that I'm about to tell you), in a very far away land (e.g. Norway-
unless of course you life in, or close to, Norway, in which case one of
your dead relatives may have witnessed this very event), a man (whose
name - Dave - shall remain unknown) was busy in his garage (it had a
green door) building a model helicopter to fly his pet cat towards that
place above the clouds where the sun always shines.

"Simon," he said (his cat's called Simon, by the way). "You have lived
for far too long in this grey, dull shit hole of a place, and I can see
the tears just acheing to burst out from behind your tightly closed
eyelids, that you yearn for the warmth of the sun on your beautiful
face. Oh my beatufil cat, oh how beatiful you are. And that's not a gay
thing to say, because you're a male cat, not a male human."

"Meow meow meow," said Simon.

"Yes I know," said The Man. "I quite agree, life really had been
terrible down here."

"Meow meow,"

"Yes, I know, that's why I want to fly you up above the clouds. Up up up
up up up, up, up above the clouds. Up up above the clouds. Up. Above the
clouds. Way up, all the way up, right through them and out the top,
where it's always sunny and you can fly around with a big smile on your
face, purring like the beautiful purring kitty cat that you are."

"Meow."

The End.

Stupid Spam Filter + My Walk Today

2009-12-18T19:24:00.000Z

Sorry, that message about the comedy night was a day late.

Can you believe it, I sent that on Thursday evening, but today I got a message say that the spam filter from my mailing had detected it as being possible spam! What the hell??? What a stupid spam filter!!! Didn't it notice that the sender was the owner of the mailing list, and therefore the same person that it was sending the warning message too?!?!?!?

So anyway, I had to approve that message by click a link and then choose the option "No This Message That I Wrote Myself Is Not Spam, And I Should Know Because I Wrote It".

I know it contained a lot of links, but none of them were trying to sell anything. They were just links to Wikipedia and YouTube.

Anyway, rant over...

It was Wednesday night I went to the comedy night.

Last night I stayed home.

And today I went out for a hilly walk with my friend Dan. 5 hills in only 5 miles. That's a record for me, in terms of the hill-to-mile ratio. All of the hills were in the same small area, near Dursley & Cam in Gloucestershire.

Okay, so let's talk about that. Why don't I tell you about where I went. This is my blog/list, I'll do whatever I feel like. You don't have to read it if you don't want to...

But anyway, for anyone who is still reading...

First we went up Cam Peak (officially called Peaked Down). You can see an image of it here, and another one here.
Right next to Cam Peak is Cam Long Down.
Then we walked across to Uley Bury.
Then down to Downham Hill. This has not Public Right of Way across it, but it is now "Access Land", and has long had a "Permissive Path" up it anyway. But there is no route through, so you have to just go up the side of the hill, walk round the hill, then come back down the same way. As we were coming back down, it started to snow.
Then it was along the lane back towards Cam Long Down. It really began snowing heavily at this point, but this soon passed. We then walked back over Cam Long Down. My original plan was to go back over Cam Peak too, to get 6 hills in, but by then Dan's sore ligament was starting to hurt, so we went back down to the car.

Then we went to a nice pub in Dursley, where he had a hot chocolate and I had a fruit tea drink. We played table football twice, and I beat him 9-1 both times. You made it far too easy Dan, you really did. I can't even remember when I last played that game.

Still reading this?

Well done. Have a banana.

If the spam filter catches this message too, I'm going to protest by dancing like a maniac in my side garden.

Peace, Love & Satsumas,
MEJC.

Last Night's Comedy Night with Ardal O'Hanlon

2009-12-17T19:43:00.001Z

A few weeks ago I saw a news item on the BBC Gloucestershire website saying that Ardal O'Hanlon was going to be performing at a venue near me. I booked tickets, invited my friend James, and last night was the night.

The line-up was nicely varied, with 4 totally different comedians from 4 different places:

Ardal O'Hanlon (Irish)
Phil Kay (Scottish)
Paul Tonkinson (English)
Craig Campbell (Canadian) - Host

All of them were very good, very funny...

Craig Campbell

Never seen this guy before. The main thing that struck me about him was that he looked like Justin Lee Collins. He was very loud, in your face, and interracted with the audience a lot. The great thing about him is that he's lived in the UK for 12 years (although he sounds totally Canadian), and he had a lot of funny observational things to say about British people versus Canadians and Americans. For example, saying how amazed he was that it was so easy for him to get a British driving liscence just by sending off his Canadian liscence to the UK DVLA. And he was like "Wait! Which side of the road do I drive on?" and they were like, "Don't worry, you'll figure it out..." And also he pointed out how a foreign driver would have absolutely no clue as to the the speed limit on a British motorway. Of course, all this is only 1% as funny as was hearing him say it all.

Video - From 2007, telling some of the same jokes he told last night, talking about British life from a foreigner's point of view. He has much shorter hair here though.

Paul Tonkinson

I've seen him on TV qutie a lot in the past. Pretty funny guy. Interacted with the audience a lot. Made me quite glad I wasn't sat anywhere near the front. He did some funny impressions of French people.

Video

Phil Kay

Where do I even start with this guy? The guy's a total and utter mental random loony crazy freak of a nutcase, and I love him! Phil was my favourite comedian of the night. I remember him from a TV show he did more than 10 years ago called Phil Kay Feels. I was wondering what he would be like now, whether he would still be as extreme, and he certainly didn't disappoint.

It's hard to describe via written words just what Phil Kay is like, but he really is totally random and insane, and is exactly my kind of comedian. There is absolutely no theme or structure to his act at all. He just frantically does whatever pops into his head.

For example:

When he came on stage, he brought an ironing board with him, with various things placed on it.
After the previous comedian (Paul) had observed that the Christmas tree was badly decorated (it didn't have much decoration on the top of it), Phil, near the beginning of his performance, decided to place a plastic coat hanger with a tomato on it onto the top of the tree. He then screamed that he wished he was the fairy on top of the tree, and grabbed the star and pressed it onto his chest. I can't remember exactly what he did then, but he really went off on a tangent.
At one point he randomly went over to the widow and started shouting at kids on the street.
He pulled his jeans up really high, so they were really tight around his crotch. He then did a really random dance, jerking from side to side over and over again.

Video - Altough this really isn't Phil at his best, but it gives you an idea of who he is. There aren't that many video clips of Phil Kay on the internet, as these days he doesn't appear on TV much. However, to get a feel for the kind of things he comes out with, here's a chunk of text I stole from his website:

Skim the surface and it is an utterly up to the minute super-list of recent events in phils life,esapades adventures, mishaps, ideas, schemes, scams, dreams and drams..recipes, jokes and thoughts thoughts thoughts, wee,wee description of the most exciting moments of phils recent gigs...Dip your head under a bit..hold your breath, go deeper and it will then be a more further reaching set of riveting philosophy prose as i release my auto-blography in tiny chunks..it is to be published as a book with photo and dvd of footage and is to be called: 'sorry i am late,the orphanage was on fire..' ....or...'any trousers will do after the earthquake'.

Ardal O'Hanlon

There was something subtly surreal about seeing Ardal come onto the stage, having never seen him before in real life but seen him many times on TV. It's like that subtle realisation you know you shouldn't really be having because it doesn't actually make any sense, like "Oh, he's actually a real person..." The main thing that struck me is that he seemed smaller than I imagined him, although I am aware that TV often makes people seem bigger than they really are (for example, apparently Jack Dee is only 3 feet tall in real life). I noticed the same think with Paul Tonkinson, who looked a lot skinnier than I imaged him.

Anyway, Ardal was very funny, and did make me laugh a lot. Especially lines like "Me and my wife - hey, I have a wife, WAHEY! - anyway, me and my wife, every month we go out to a restaurant for an argument..."

He was very funny, but somehow couldn't quite match up to Phil Kay, just purely because Phil Kay is so extreme. What I'm saying is, I'm not saying Ardal O'Hanlon wasn't funny. I'm saying Ardal WAS very funny, but Phil Kay before him had nearly killed me.

Video

Things Worthy of Note

The woman sat next to me laughed hysterically at everything, yet the man she was with didn't appear to smile the whole time he was there.
After Phil Kay's set, I passed him half way up the stairs on my way back from the toilet. It took me by surprise, because I wasn't looking at him at first, and only realised it was him as I got right next to him. I heard him grumpily say something along the lines of "Oh, don't stand and talk to me then..." to a woman a few steps above me as she walked on past him. It was then that I found myself right next to him and turned to suddenly realise it was him, stood leaning against the middle banister with a pint of beer in his hand. I instictively said a cheerful "Alright?" to him as I carried on past, and he just quickly replied "Hello."

Conclusion

Very enjoyable night. Well worth the money. All four comedians were very funny, but Phil Kay was amazing (in my warped opinion).

Olfactory Hallucinations

2009-12-14T19:37:00.001Z

I think my dad is insane
And suffering from Olfactory Hallucinations

He keeps walking around the house
"What's that strange smell?" he keeps saying
But nobody can smell anything
The silly man

A Very Short Story About Some People You Don't Know

2009-12-06T18:57:00.001Z

"I've had enough of it all, I'm throwing it all away," said A Man You
Don't Know as he tore his room apart.

"But what if you need some of it later on at some point?" said Another
Man You Don't Know.

"I don't care, it's all got too much, I want to get rid of it all," said
The Man You Don't Know. And so he began ripping everything off the
shelves and stuffing it into black bin liners.

"NO! STOP!" shouted Some Woman Whose Place In The Story We May Never
Fully Understand. "Just think of all those old Christmas cards, and
letters from people you no longer give a shit about. If you get rid of
them, you will no longer have those memories to fall back on, and
without memories what will you be?"

"Free," said The Man You Don't Know. "Without memories to hold me back,
I can do anything. I can fly, up beyond the clouds, to islands floating
in the sky."

And at that moment, the red and yellow of the sunset sky began to leak
in through the small gap in the window. The Man You Don't Know leaned
forward and opened the window fully, letting the orange glow fill the room.

And as all three of them leaned out the window to wave at the people
below, the house began to collapse, and with big grins on their faces
they all jumped out just in time, and began floating around the street.

And they lived happily ever after as floaty people, forever and ever
amen and yourmen and everybodysmen and all the women too, all tickling
each other and dancing and that.

My Walk in Wiltshire Today

2009-12-06T18:41:00.001Z

I went for a walk today with my walking group, out in the Wiltshire
countryside. It was a lovely sunny day, and I enjoyed myself, as it's
the first group walk I've done for about 6 weeks or something.

Anyway, a few things worthy of note happened today...

Allow me to explain..

So we all met up at the meeting point in the centre of Bristol, and the
idea is always to car-share out to the start of the walk. Two new lovely
young women turned up, and they were going to go together in their car.
I overheard them giggling something about hwo rubbish they are at
directions as they walk leader handed them their map and directions on
some paper. I was just on the virge of offering my services as their
highly compitent navigator, when the walk leader started saying how we
needed more drivers, and he asked me if I'd drive.

Ah, feck!

But anyway, so I drove, and two other people went with me, and a
different guy went with the two young women.

So, cut to over an hour later (a lot of which was boring motorway
driving on the M4), and we arrived at the car park for the start of the
walk. It was really full up, so I tried to park on this grassy area, and
my car got stuck! I ended up wheelspinning like mad. So I ended up
getting about 5 guys from the group to help push me back out of it, and
after lots of effort we eventually managed it, and I found another space
down the other end.

Just at that moment, the two new young women arrived in their car. But
their passenger was nowhere to be seen.

They started telling me about how they had had to let him out right near
the beginning of the car journey because he freaked out. They said he
suddenly said "I've just remembered, I've got some DIY I've got to do at
home," and then asked to be let out of the car. So they pulled over at a
petrol station and he got out. What the hell?

Planning To Take Over The World

2009-11-25T19:53:00.001Z

I'm planning to take over the world.
You just see if I don't.

I'm going to become a King,
or a Wizard,
or a WizardKing,
or a KingyWizard.

Or
perhaps
maybe a crazy
dancing, freaking,
KizardWingy Dancey Prancey
Footloose romancey chancey, ducky-divey,
Sing-your-mother-into-a-violent-happytrance and
I really must think of a big long line to go here. This one won't do.

No.
It really won't do.
In fact, I'm really quite disapointed
with how this whole stupid piece has turned out.

Really Thirsty

2009-11-25T19:46:00.001Z

I'm really thirsty this evening for some reason.
I've already drunk a pint of water,
and I drank a load of water straight from the tap a few times earlier.

But I'm thirsty again!
What's going on?
Where has this thirst come from?
What's happening in my body?

It's ever since I ate my dinner.
2 poached eggs
on buckwheat rice bread
with loads of watercress.

Maybe it's an overdose of sulphur?

No, wait!
I know what it is!

I was eating Spice Roast Chick Peas this afternoon!

Yes!
That's it!

I remember, I felt thirsty after that,
which I quenched
by eating an orange
just before dinner.

Spiced Roast Chick Peas are to blame
for my thirst attack!

TOO MUCH SALT!

My body must be trying to flush it out...

EU Haiku 2

2009-11-20T19:38:00.001Z

EU Haiku 2

Yes it's really true
The new EU President
Really does write them

EU Haiku

2009-11-20T19:33:00.001Z

EU Haiku

Herman Van Rompuy
The President of Europe
Likes to write haikus

Gas Leak Update - The Digging Has Started

2009-11-20T16:00:00.000Z

Two additional men have arrived and are now digging up the area in front of my next-door-neighbour's house. The first man (the man who had the gas detecting stick) is stood talking to One Armed Barry who lives the oppsite side of the street.

Another Gas Update

2009-11-20T14:30:00.000Z

I'm sorry to tell you that I have in fact died, and I'm now floating around in heaven looking down on you all. You all look very beautiful, especially you. Yes you (YOU).

No, just kidding, I haven't died, and you're all ugly. Apart from you (YOU).

The Gas Expert Man has said "Your house is in the clear, you can stop worrying now and go about your business again..."

He says the gas appears to be coming from the pavement in front of our next-door neighbour's house, and they're actually going to dig up that bit. Shit, Sue's going to have a shock when she gets home from work!

Gas Update

2009-11-20T14:22:00.000Z

I'm still alive (i.e. I haven't died - yet), and there is now a man with a bright yellow jacket on which says "GAS" on the back. He has a stick which he is waving about all over the place, which makes sounds when it detects gas.

He says it is a bad gas leak, and he says it's got nothing to do with the men installing the new street light nearby this morning (that was my theory).

However, I'm assuming we cannot rule out an explosion at this stage. I'm just hoping one of our neighbours doesn't drive up the road and flick a fag end out of the window.

There was an incident when I was a kid, in a village about 4 miles away, where a policeman who lived there could smell gas in the middle of the night, and he went round and got all his neighbours out of their houses and away from it just in time before there was a huge explosion.

But I'm staying where I am. I've got work to do. Besides which, my room is the opposite end of the house. With any luck, only the other side of the house will get destroyed and I'll have time to jump out the window.

There's a Strong Smell of Gas Outside

2009-11-20T14:10:00.000Z

Just to let everyone know, today there is a strong smell of gas outside our house. Our postman (who I don't even know, due to round changes after they closed our local sorting office, the bastards) alerted us to it. We went out and investigated, and there was definately a strong smell around several areas of the pavement in front of our house, near to my parent's camper van.

Anyway, I called the gas emergency line, and the woman said "an engineer will be there within an hour...whatever you do, don't smoke, wave any naked flames around, operate any switches, set off any fireworks, start a bonfire, bang any rocks together, or do anything at all..."

Anyway, just to let you know, if an explosion happens, I may die in the process. Goodbye, nice knowing you all, and have a nice life...

If no explosion happens, it will be business as usual (dancing giraffe's and hang-gliding sheep)...

Ode To Sky

2009-11-14T13:50:00.001Z

Oh Sky
There you are
All the way up there
Like an upside-down sea of air

And here I am
All the way down here
Wishing I could fly like an eagle

Every day
Like clockwork
You give birth to the sun
And then let it die

If only I could run
O'er hill and vale
And catch the sun
Before it went stale

Ah but alas
I cannot
And 'twas always so
Amen

Rain (Part 3)

2009-11-14T12:37:00.001Z

Rain
Oh rain
You wet sod
All you ever do is fall
Downwards towards the ground

Rain
Oh rain
Slutty mistress to the Wind
Go back home to where you belong
(Somewhere colder like Norway or Sweden)

Rain (Part 2 - Quotes From Unfamous People)

2009-11-14T12:36:00.001Z

"When I was a lad, we didn't used to have all this rain shit going on..."
Old Man on the Street.

"Since the invention of rain, the sky weighs more*, say Special Clever Scientists..."
A News Reader You've Never Seen Before

* He means less. Think about it. All the water that was weighing it down before has fallen out.

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
A Confused Old Woman Called Ethil.

"During the war, when all things were rationed, we had to make do with what water we had. As my mother always said, 'Water doesn't grow on trees,' and she was right, it doesn't, but these days it falls down from the sky. I don't know what's going on anymore, I really don't.'"
Old Man on the Street (Yes, the Same One From Earlier)

"Since the Dawn of Time, which was when Time was created by Simon the Timemonger (who created Time for all of the Universes that existed, and also some of the ones that didn't), there was a Force. It was a force so great that no other force could force it to do anything or to stop or anything like that. As a result, the Great Ooh Deidre Always Looking Mighty Interesting Gosh He Tickles Yoghurts (G.O.D. A.L.M.I.G.H.T.Y.) invented Wind to blow things over or make it difficult to walk in certain directions. This was no good, because Wind needed something more to blow to make life more interesting, so the Omnipresent Uncle Rupert Likes Orange Rubarb Daisy Juice Extracted by Squashing and Uncontrollable Squeezing (O.U.R. L.O.R.D. J.E.S.U.S.) invented rain, and so that's how rain was invented and that's why we have rain these days but it's too much."
A Crazy Person

Rain (Part 1)

2009-11-14T12:20:00.001Z

Rain
Oh rain
Oh you are so rain-like
In your rainyness

Down you pour
Like teardrops from
An angry sky
Too scared to admit
It just can't cope
With modern life
Without bursting into tears

Very Small Countries

2009-11-09T18:55:00.001Z

In this article I want to talk about: Very Small Countries.

The smallest country in the whole of this damn fine huge great big spinny world is: Vatican City. The second smallest is Monaco.

Also very small is Andorra, which is where there was a tragedy yesterday when a bridge collapsed and some people died.

Actually, while we're on that subject, I told my dad about that today, having read it on Wikinews, and he had no idea about it. It just goes to show, the BBC News doesn't give you all the important news, they just telly you what they want to tell you.

I really don't like watching TV news, the BBC especially, because there's so much endless political scandal stuff. Like ages ago when that blind politician David Blunkett was having an affair or something - I don't care! I don't care where he puts his penis (as long as he keeps it away from me).

I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to know important stuff. Like, I want to know when we've got a new Prime Minister, or when they've created a law to ban thinking, but I really don't care about the ins and outs of politicians private lives. Or even the ins and outs of their professional lives. I just want the important stuff. The end results. That's why I prefer reading it online, because I can just skim down through any headlines that don't interest me, and as long as there's none that say anything scary like "Britain Has Been Sold To China" or "Gloucestershire To Be Dug Up And Transported To Australia" then I'm happy.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, small countries...

Yeah, so small countries, right, I mean...why?

And also: What?

And by that I mean: What if something really bad happens? Like, what if part of it explodes or collapses, then there's hardly anything left. Or what if there's some other disaster, like another country invades it, would another nearby country help defend it?

But also, take Monaco for example, that's just a city. What if you live there but you get sick of the city? You have actually move to another country just to move to a rural area. If I lived there, I'd be campaigning to expand the boundaries out into the surrounding mountains, where I would build a small castle and call myself King.

No, wait. King is too oppressive. How about a more relaxed title, for example: "The Wise Man On The Hill"?

The Malvern Hills

2009-11-09T18:32:00.001Z

Today I went walking in the Malverns with my dad. It was a rare day in that the weather forecast said it wasn't going to rain, so we thought we'd take the opportunity seeing as we've not been there for a while.

Indeed it did not rain, but there was also no sun, and virtually no view due to fog. The only thing I could really see from up on the hills was the town of Great Malvern, which is really close by. In fact, the outskirts of it spread up the side of the hills a bit, as can be seen in the image on this page.

Actually, this reminds me of a day out with my friend James back in May 2008 when we got really lost round there trying to find one of the public car parks, and ended up driving all around the circumfrence of the hills several times, admiring the grand hillside houses along the way. That was a good day, it was sunny. Anyway...

We walked across a few of the hills to Worcestershire Beacon, which is the highest out of the hills. Well, actually, I walked over each of the hills whilst my dad walked along a lower path (he's getting old) until the final climb up Worcestershire Beacon. No view up there at all. Actually, the view was worse than lower down. Still, it was nice to have the exercise and fresh air anyway.

After the walk, on the way back home we stopped in Upton-upon-Severn, where there is a lovely specialist map shop that my dad loves. This was my idea, because we did it last time, and it's a nice way to end the walk. I love old small towns like that, with the old street of independent quirky shops and old architecture. I didn't go in the map shop this time, because I went in a little second hand book shop. The old guy working in there (who was sat reading a book) was really strange looking. Hard to describe really. He was strange rotund man, and had a strange partial beard, a high voice (yes, even higher than mine I think), and wore a really old coat that was falling apart. Maybe business is slow...

Trousers

2009-11-09T18:00:00.001Z

Does anyone know:

Are there any long-term health implications if you wear the same pair of trousers for a very long time? I'm not just talking two weeks or whatever, no, I mean like for 6 months or a year, or maybe even 5 years.

For example, would your legs become infected, maybe gangrenous or even perhaps (shock horror!): fall off altogether?

Please let me know, somebody.

I mean, don't get me wrong, this is not something I'm particuarly planning to do, as I do have multiple pairs of trousers. However, it is a question that has started bugging me since yesterday. It would be nice to know, just in case I'm ever in a situation where I can't afford to buy any new pairs of trousers.

News For You To Read With Your Eyes And Understand With Your Brain

2009-10-31T18:06:00.001Z

In The News Today
Fresh From The Mouth Of The Dancing NewsMonkey

In This Issue:

New island discovered "far away somewhere in the sea"
Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
"We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
"Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
"Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts

New island discovered far away somewhere in the sea

An island has been discovered in a stretch of the Atlantic Ocean never before explored by anyone. The island is small and also big (but mostly small - but bigger than a really small one that nobody could ever live on) and contains a unique subspecies of humanoid who are very similar to us humans (me and you - and everyone else as well). The main difference to normal humans is that they contain just one hermaphroditic gender.

Other major differences include:

Longer legs
Smaller ears
Stronger arms (for climbing up rocks)
An extra arm on their back
Hairy elbows

Yesterday, scientists ran around the island, trying to capture some of these people to put in cages to take back to the laboratory. "We want to analyse them to see if we can breed with them to create a superior species," said one of the scientists. "First we shall analyse their chromosomal structure, and if it's compatible with human chromosomes, we shall commence coitus. By force if necessary."

Mars flying saucer boy returns to Earth, gets kidnapped by pirates
The young boy who flew to Mars in a homemade minature flying saucer returned back to Planet Earth yesterday, only to be captured by pirates. Police have been in contact with the pirates, and it appears that they want to keep him hostage until the boy's parents agree to give them the design drawing for the spacecraft, so that they can "build a bigger one for ourselves and fly off into space to kidnap aliens".

"We've been an independent country for years" says New Mexico
US President Bra-rack O-bum-hair is said to be "truly shocked" by the revelation that New Mexico has been an independent country since 1981. "We thought you knew," said the King of New Mexico Abejundio el Gonzalus. "We just thought you were just joking with the whole 'United States' thing." We asked a local resident of New Mexico what he thought about the whole confusion, and he had this to day: "¿Qué la cogida? I don' ¿t habla inglés, por qué usted me para en calle y me hace la pregunta muda?"

"Beards now illegal", decision made in Irish parliament.
The taoiseach (prime minister) Briaiaiaen O'McCoewaern of the Republic Of Most Of Ireland But Not Quite All Of It said: "Ah come on now ya feckin eejits, this nonsense has gone on for far too long and must stop now. If a man has a beard, you can't see his face. He might be scowling at you, or may even be hiding a weapon. Ya don't know what's goin on, ah come on now, an' on an' on."

Child has massive sugar high, slides into alternate dimension
A young girl from south western Northern South Carolina ate 50 bags of Jelly Babies in the space of just a couple of hours, and as a result had a sugar high that tripped her out so much that "she actually trancended the dimensions of space-time and travelled through several dimensions until she eventually reached the one where all the invisible aliens live," said An Expert yesterday. When the girl returned to space-time, she was extremely confused and disorientatified. "I'm shocked that this has happened," said King of America Obama bin Laden. "Jelly babies should be made illegal," said Another Expert. "I can't believe it's not butter!" said Dave.

Cannabis relassified as a Vitamin by World Health Organisation
The controversial plant known as cannabis, marijuana, skunk-pussy and many other names (including funky lettuce, grass, leaves, flowers, meadows, daisies, sunshine, blue sky, piss and wankymoss), is to be downgraded from "a drug" to "not a drug", and then upgraded the other way to being classified as a beneficial nutrient, to be known as Vitamin Z or possibly a mineral named Cannabilium (the Experts are still arguing about this). This whole revelation follows recent studies which suggest that the plant may be useful with certain health conditions, including anorexia (due to its appetite stimulating effect) and stress. It is also thought to provide some benefit to people who are worried that they have an unhealthily low level of paranoia, i.e. those who have been diagnosed with Gulliblitis. Also useful for people who wish to vaguely smell like are wearing clothes that they haven't changed since they literally pissed themselves laughing whilst watching childrens TV whilst stoned two weeks ago.

"Planet Earth will soon start spinning the other way" say Experts
Yes, that's right, Special Clever Scientist Experts have predicted that very soon (like sometime in the next few weeks) Planet Earth (or, to give it its official name: The World) will suddenly start spinning in the opposite direction. "Is this really true, or is it some kind of stupid joke?" we asked An Expert, and he had this to say: "Yes, it really is true, and no, it's not some kind of stupid joke. When it happens, the sun will rise back up from the same horizon it went down behind, and who knows where the Moon will even be. The only person who can really answer that question is God, and he doesn't really exist." Well, that's a very brave thing to say, as the existence of God has still yet to be disproven, as has the existence of the Planet Marzipan and the Lock Ness Aardvark.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - a trusted sturdy metal statue in a world full of crumbling anti-news.

Important Serious News Round-up For Sensible Serious People

2009-10-29T19:46:00.001Z

In The News Today (For The Whole Wide World, Not Just Where You Live - Fantastic, Yes?!¿)

In This Issue:

"Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
Lundy Island to have railway network
"We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
"Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
"Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President

"Isles of Scilly Too Far Away" say experts
A new report out today puts forward the case for moving the Isles of Scilly closer to mainland Great Britain. The islands will be moved via "special extra-super-huge-massive boats" closer to the far south-western tip of the county of Cornwall, to which they will then be connected a suspension-bridged road system. A later (but optional) stage of the same project may see the M5 Motorway (which currently terminates at Exeter, Devon) to be extended all the way down to the islands.

Lundy Island to have railway network
Lundy Island, a tiny island off the north Devon coast in the Bristol Channel, is to have its own railway network. The island, which only measures 3 miles long and half a mile wide, currently has no form of internal transport other than the 4-wheel-drive car which travels via a gravelly track from the ferry jetty up to the island's only shop. Early plans for the network suggest it will be designed thus: "It's going to be great!" said the man in charge of the whole thing. "There will be a rail line going all the way round the edge of the island, useful for wheelchair-bound people who want a quick look at the whole island. There will also be lines going from the pub to every house on the island, for people who end up too drunk to walk home." Gordon Brown agrees that it sounds like a good idea. "Yes, I agree, it sounds like a good idea," he said (see, I told you). US President O-banana-man said: "Remind me, where is this Britain place again?"

"We made a mistake - hard drugs are good for you," declares World Health Organisation
This shocking new revelation happened on Monday, but wasn't made public until today (a whole 3 days later, dammit, what a stupid carry-on) due to the fact that those who discovered it took that long to come all the way back down from "the biggest fucking ride of our whole damn lives!" This discovery follows the suggestion earlier in the year by MP David Mitchell (Kilburn East, Conservative) that "Heroin should be made available to everyone on the NHS," and the recent discovery by Some Hippy Scientists Somewhere that "LSD may cure asthma."

"Money is the root of all evil" scientifically proven by recent study
In a bid to "finally erradicate all evil from the world once and for all," all of the goverments of the world ("Yes, even the poor ones!" - US President Obi-Wan Kenobi) will be gathering together in a large building "somewhere in the world" to discuss the banning of money. If all the countries can agree that banning money is a good idea (and they probably all will, because the poor countries never have enough money, and the rich countries are never quite as rich as they'd really like to be - so it's predicted that they will all indeed conclude that "this whole money thing has been a big waste of time") then it will actually become illegal to use money anywhere in the world, and anyone caught using money will be committing a criminal offence. Experts predict that the United Kingdom may reintroduce the death penalty specifically for this new law. As UK prime minister Gordon Brown has been heard saying, "Well, you know, at least it will help solve the overppopulation problem," after which he then did that bizarre facial expression he always does after each sentence.

"Meaning of life" discovered in field by man walking dog
Yesterday afternoon, George (not his real name) was walking his dog (cat) Ben (not her real name) through a field when he came across the meaning of life. Police were quickly on the scene, and the area has been fenced off by that tape that they use. Police are unable to release any further details about what they found, other than confirming: "Yes, this does indeed look like it explains everything - the Universe, happiness, everything really important that people spend their lives searching for the answer to." Experts suggest that if it really is the meaning of life, it will need to be strictly controlled to "stop the whole planet from getting out of control." It will most likely be rationed out to the general public on a monthly basis, and people in poorer living situations will receive it at a reduced price, possibly even free in some cases. However, if and when money eventually becomes abolished, everything will be made freely available to everyone, even this, as An Expert On The Matter said: "Yes, even this will become free eventually, and then everything will be alright forever."

USA to be abandoned in "Wonderful step backwards!" declares President
US President Barry Oboe-man has declared America "too big to really work properely," saying that he feels that it's "so big, I don't really know what's going on, I just can't keep track of everything. I mean, I really don't know how the other guys managed it." All of the states will become independent countries, all given seperate languages to learn. They will also all be given new names. California will be renamed New Austria, with German as the official language, and The Governator will be renamed The King of New Austria. As a result, all Hollywood films released after 2010 will be in German, thus forcing most of the rest of the world to learn German as a second language. When questioned what he thought about the idea, Arnold Switzerlandneck said, "Persönlich denke ich it' s groß. Ich bedeute, Englisch habe eine gewordene weit zu allgemeine Sprache für mein Mögen. It' s über Zeit, dass die zutreffende Schönheit der deutschen Sprache von mehr Leuten erfahren wird." And quite right too, I say.

Thank you for reading In The News Today - your one-stop place for real news that actually really happens for real in real life, unlike all the other news sources which contain nothing but nonsensical made-up stories invented by insane retarded midgets.

P.S. What's the point in this shitty little short motorway here.

Motorways in Northern England (there are far too many)

2009-10-28T20:51:00.001Z

Further to my previous article of a highly serious nature on the subject of possibly building motorways on the Isle of Wight, I can't help but notice (from looking at this very map right here) that there are far too many motorways in the north of England, particularly around the Manchester/Liverpool area. Some of them seem to just randomly criss-cross in random directions, not really going very far. I can't really see the point of them. I never go there, and I doubt anyone else does either, except the people who live there, and they are already there, so they don't need to travel to get there. Especially not on a motorway. Stupid carry-on.

In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that many northerners know how to drive cars anyway, so I suggest said motorways are hereby dug up and lifted up from the ground and into the air (by specially designed Motorway Lifting Devices, to be designed by assylum seekers and built entirely out of recycled materials, even if that means paper) and transported (by a Road Transportation Device - designed by some random man from China and built by his friend Wang Cha Winkydum Doodaa Ting Tong entirely out of some kind of super alloy metal which includes recycled paper as one of the constituent metals) to the Isle of Wight.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

We interrupt this important and serious broadcast to bring you some truly shocking news!!

As can be seen in this aerial photograph taken by an RAF helicopter, Northern Ireland has been cut away from the rest of Ireland and kicked out into the sea.

Our reporter on the scene, Paddy O'McPaddytownface, who is currently floating nearby on a raft, had this to say (5 minutes ago):

"I don't know quite what happened. One minute I was stood just outside Derry city, just straddling the border there, just having a chat with the old locals like, you know, just for the crack like, 'ah come on now isn't it great how things have settled down more these days, ah come on ya feckin eejits let's all have a pint a Guiness to celebrate...' and then all of a sudden someone came along with this big saw and started cutting the land away, and then this huge great foot came and kicked the land away, and feckin hell ya know because I was stood right there on the edge I lost me feckin ballance an fell right into the water don't ya know, but I just managed to grab someone's broken shed door to use as a raft, ah come on now what are the chances of that happenin!"

More on that story later...

In other news:

Boy flies miniature flying saucer all the way to Mars. Boy later found hiding in attic. Then came the shocking confession from the parents: "He's been in there for 7 years, he's actually his twin brother." At which point the parents began crying. "We're really worried about him. I don't think he can get mobile phone reception that far away. What if he loses his lunch box?!"
Dead body found. Police confirm: "Yes, it's definately dead, and was definately alive at some point in the past, until it died, at which point it stopped living and was no longer alive." They are currently investigating the cause of its death. Initial theories suggest "We think it might have been killed." Theories as to what killed it vary, but most agree: "it was most likely something fatal."
Naked man found wondering aimlessly. Police ask: "What are you doing?" Man replies: "I'm going for a walk." Police ask: "What happened to your clothes?" Man replies: "I took them off." He is to be charged with Failure To Successfully Keep Clothes On Whilst Walking Around Outside In A Public Place Where There Are Other People Who Might Accidentally Glance Down And See His Genitals Dangling Around.
Huge pineapple in sky. Witnesses all agree: "It was really big! We didn't know what was going on! It doesn't make any sense."
Jesus was gay. Proof now found.
God doesn't exist, has never existed. Scientific proof 100% accurate. Same study also disproves the existence of Saturn and also cheese.
New religion invented. Believers claim: "Everything all makes sense now, for the first time ever. We all now feel beautiful inside, and life will now be wonderful forever, as long as we can blow up everyone else."

Motorways on the Isle of Wight

2009-10-28T18:10:00.001Z

I was thinking today (it's always fun when that happens), I wonder if they will ever put motorways on the Isle of Wight.

They could put one going all the way round the edge, similar to how the M25 goes all round the outside of London. This would be really useful for people who want to see all the coastal views but don't have much time.

Another motorway could be placed East to West, to get across the main length of the island in minimal time. Ideal for people who have so far spent nearly a week in a caravan on the east coast of the island, and not long before it's time to go home, suddenly realise they haven't even seen the western side of the island yet because the time has really flown by while they've been playing beach volleyball with their grandchildren. "Ooh, quick Margaret, if we really put the pedal to the metal we can be there in under 15 minutes, throw a few oddly-shaped pebbles into the sea, and then whizz all the way back again with just enough time to pack away young Simon's little one-man play tent..."

Then there could be a South to North one, which wouldn't just stop at the northern edge of the island, but would continue towards the mainland via a huge suspension bridge (made entirely of recycled materials). This would be fantastic for day-trippers, and would increase tourism to the island from all the very busy people on the mainland who don't have time to sit around wasting time on a ferry. One small down-side: the island may subsequently see an increase in joyriders coming over from poor areas of Portsmouth (compared to the current small number of hovercraft joyriders). Solution: install a toll booth. Maximum pentalty for crashing through toll barrier without paying: DEATH.

Looking at this map, it's easy to see how this could link up with the M27, and therefore utimately the M3 towards London. However, I would also recommend that the current A34 be converted into a motorway and an interchange with the M4 constructed (as well as continuing north towards Oxford), enabling motorway access to Bristol, south Wales, and the rest of the UK.

There would be no speed limits on the island's motorways. Rather, there would be a big sign every half a mile warning you: "WARNING: Drive Carefully, Or You Might End Up In The Sea!!" Each sign would be in a different colour to the previous one, to make sure it catches your eye. Maybe also include a rudimentary image of a car sinking into water.

What do you think?

Answers on a postcard to:

Isle of Wight Motorway Campaign
P.O. Box 1324738925497308488734095983.723
London
NW1 6TJ
England
United Kingdom
Europe
Planet Earth
The Solar System
The Milky Way
The Universe
The Huge Collection Of Infinite Universes Inside God's Left Nipple

Really Bizarre Mental Illnesses

2009-09-15T20:04:00.001+01:00

Today I had to visit the jobcentre in another town 12 miles away, so I rode my bicycle, to avoid using petrol.

Before coming home, I decided to visit the library. I ended up finding a book which utterly fascinated me:

DR RAJ PERSAUD
FROM THE EDGE OF THE COUCH
Bizarre psyciatric cases and what they teach us about ourselves.

I sat down on the extremely comfortable sofa by the window, and became utterly transfixed and entertained. After a while, I actually ended up lying down on the sofa. So anyone in the library at the time would have seen me lying there, totally engrossed in this book, occasionally letting out a chuckle whenever something really tickled me. I think in the end I was lying there for about 2 hours.

I'll give you some examples of some of the cases in it...

(words in bold are the actual titles used in the book, but all the other text is my own summarised version of what the book describes)

The man who feared being transported to another world
This man thought that all mirrors (and eventually, all other reflective surfaces) represented another world, and he had a constant fear that he might end up being transported into this world.

The man who ate his own faeces
This 20-year-old man had been punished for something bad when he was a young boy by his father forcing him to eat his own poo. As he grew up, whenever he had caused anything bad to happen, he had an overwhelming urge to eat his own poo.

The man who had sex with his furniture
This resulted from a stage hypnotism incident where the hypnotist made the suggestion that the participants would feel increasingly sexy whilst sitting in their chair, and that later on they would feel even sexier when their head touched the pillow in bed. During the hypnotism event, he began vigorously thrusting the air, and proceeded to ram the chair from behind, eventually getting his penis stuck. At home, he would completely ignore his wife and thrust against the bed instead.

The man who liked to be crushed
This particular man was only able to become sexually aroused by putting himself in dangerous situations, such as setting fire to himself or diving into the crusher of a rubbish collection lorry. During these dangerous experiences he would become aroused and spontaneously ejaculate.

The man who tried to become the Hollywood movie character, 'The Terminator'
He inserted pieces of metal into his arms in the belief that the metal would strengthen him.

The woman who needed sex to stay alive
29-year-old woman arrested for running naked along a highway. A recent affair had ended, and she began to physically feel like her body was dying. She felt like her breasts we shrinking, and was convinced she was going to die. She was convinced that the only way to stay alive was by having sex, and began begging men to have sex with her.

The man who didn't like the way birds looked at him
74-year old retired businesman, family history of depression, became paranoid. At first this was related to people, but eventually he began thinking that the birds in his garden were looking at him like he was a condemed person.

There's many more in this book. It's nearly 500 pages long. Today I've just been flicking through random bits of it, but I think I might actually start right from the beginning and read the whole thing.

Big Orange Dream Sun, and other free verse

2009-09-10T19:22:00.001+01:00

Big Orange Dream Sun in The Sky

All Alone on a Saturday Morning

Blurry Fragments of Memories of Lost Daydreamy Days

Suicide, Prison & Real Life

2009-09-09T19:25:00.001+01:00

I thought that title might get your attention.

Today my mum told me that someone I knew was recently found in their car at the top of the hill, having committed suicide. She also told me that there is a rumour that someone else I know has gone to prison.

Focussing on the guy who killed himself...

He's not someone I had anything to do with in recent years, so I'm not grieving, just a bit shocked.

He was about 11 years older than me, and an extremely religious born-again Christian. He was also very scientific and probably the most intelligent person I've even known in person. For the perposes of this piece, I'll call him G.

I first got to know him when I was about 17/18 and he volunteered at a youth club I went to for a while. Yes, I know 17/18 seems a bit old to be going to a youth club, but at the time some of my friends were about 16 and they went there (in particular D and H), and it was a good laugh sometimes. It was run by a bunch of adult volunteers from the church, but they never forced religion onto us. It was just a place to go to hang out and chat and play pool and have a bit of a laugh.

D and H got on extremely well with G, but I never really knew quite what to make of him to begin with. I only really got to know G well when late one night H took me round to G's flat, and we stayed up late playing board games. G seemed really welcoming and friendly, and said I could pop round and visit whenever I wanted.

H told me that G was extremely fascinating because he was so intelligent. H said that he often had in-depth conversations with G about extra demensions, really mind-blowing stuff like that. Ignoring the religious side of him, I began to find him fascinating too, and would visit his flat and have deeply complicated conversations with him about dimensions and the universe.

Although G did mention religion at various times, only once did he make a serious attempt to convert me, in his own utterly bizarre way of using many sheets of paper to try to explain it and make out that it all made perfect sense. I listened intently and let him say his entire piece, and even engaged with him, but in the end I inwardly laughed it off as total and utter nonsense.

G was a very contradictory person, because he was extremely intelligent and very scientific in nature, yet was also extremely religious. I could never understand how he managed to join those two sides of himself together. To be honest, I don't think he ever did, and that was probably the problem in the end.

But despite fundamentally thinking he had it all wrong with regards to religion, for a while I did visit him quite a lot, because in all honesty I found him utterly fascinating, and also just because he was friendly to me during a time when I was on the verge of going through bad problems in my own life.

Gradually though, over time, I began to feel he was less friendly towards me. I began to find him impossible to argue with. He was always so clever at always thinking up something to come back at you with, and I've never really been any good at that. I need time alone to think up clever things to say, and in an arguement that doesn't work. Once, during the one time I was at his flat whilst he was drunk, he really insulted me and then grabbed my watch and threw it across the room, braking it. I eventually drifted away from him. I also eventually drifted away from D and H too.

A few years passed, and I did my own thing. I spent a couple more years at college, got really into making music, and began to find life confusing and problematic. I won't bother going into all that. Everyone's lives have problems and twists and turns and confusions and frustrations, and I really can't bothered to explain it all now.

But a few years later, in 2002 I think, I briefly got back in touch with H. I was going through a particularly bad time around then, and so was H, and I think we briefly provided some kind of comfort to each other. H told me that G had run away, abandoned everything. He had e-mailed all his friends (not me, because I wasn't in touch with him by then) saying basically sorry but I'm finding life too much right now. H said something about G having had a crisis of faith, probably due to him being so intelligent he finally had to confront the probability that's all that religious stuff is utter rubbish.

Soon me and H drifted away from each other again. I see him occasionally in town, and say hi. I'm not particularly friends with him, just purely because we're such different people these days, we have nothing in common. But I'm still pleasant if I see him. I have nothing against him.

Back in the spring, I saw G for the first time in a VERY long time. I was 30 and he must have been 41 by then. We stood in the street and we chatted, and he seemed fine, he seemed quite cheerful in fact. Then a woman came out of the shop and stood next to him, and they both made body language like they wanted to get going, so we said our pleasant goodbyes and that was that.

And now he's dead. Found in a car up on the hill. And that's all I know.

But it seems like the older I get, the more REAL life becomes, in terms of what happens to people I know. Like last year, one of my neighbours died from bowel cancer, and now I see her husband every day all by himself, because my bedroom window directly overlooks his bungalow. But also, on the positive side, recently my cousin gave birth to a lovely baby girl.

When you're younger, life is like some kind of fairytale that's going to happen in the future. But as you get older, real things start happening to real people you know. And it's not all good. Because life just isn't like that. Life isn't always great, but it's not always bad either. And there are things you can do to try and make your life better. There's a lot you can do.

But sometimes, shit happens. And that's just the way it is.

But I'm alive, and I'm healthy, and I'm really, really glad.

Do you know what my mum told me recently? She said she'd spoken to my brother on the phone, and he was looking after his 3-year-old son (let's call him B). B removed all his clothes, put his underpants on his head, and then started running around shouting "Daddy, I'm going to drive you crazy!" I laughed my head right off my shoulders and said to my mum, "That's amazing!..."

The War of All Wars

2009-09-03T20:28:00.001+01:00

THE WAR OF ALL WARS

I've decided, it's time to wage a war on war. I will be assembling a team of Anti-War Warriors, and we shall set off tomorrow in search of the inventor of war. And if we can't find him (or her), we shall go after one of their relatives instead, or maybe just one of their friends...or anyone who has ever heard of them and anyone who has ever thought that war might be a good idea. We will then execute these people, and everyone they know, and by doing so destroy all war. All war will be destroyed. With force. Then the world will be great again like it once was in some magical time long-ago in the past when dancing pixies and unicorns ruled the Earth, and everyone greeted each other with smiles and hugs and then sat in fields with flowers in; as it was always meant to be, and as it would be now if it wasn't for all the bad things that stop it being so.

Then, from that moment on, no wars will ever happen again, unless of course they are truly noble wars, for example maybe a War On Unhappiness (force everyone at gunpoint to be happy, or they get shot dead, and so do all their family and friends, just in case the unhappiness spreads like a violent disease), the War On...oh, wait! Hang on a minute...

No, in fact, let's rearrange these plans. We must fight all these other noble wars before we fight the War On War, because the War On War must be final; the war to end all wars.

So, before we fight the War On War, we must give ourselves time for...

The War On Drugs - ban all drugs in the world, especially the drugs which make people think that drugs are a good idea. Drugs that will remain allowed will be drugs which cause people to think that drugs are a bad idea apart from the drugs which cause people to think that drugs are a bad idea. Exceptions to this rule will be any drug which has ludicrous side effects, such as Floating or Really Big Leg (as has been reported in a few cases with the drug Oxyploxymoxymorphinoxyplaurine) or Uncontrollable Dancing Syndrome (as has happened with Magical Wood Bark, or to give it its scientific name, Rupertthebearjuice).

The War On Religious Intolerance - kill all people who don't respect everyone else’s religion. Hook everyone up to a lie detector test (make one out of metal this time – the plastic one we used last time was unreliable!), and ask them what they think about another religion. If they say something like "Well, each to their own and all that," but then there's a big spike on the graph, they immediately get shot in the head. Religious intolerance will not be tolerated! The message we want to get across is: anyone is free to worship clouds or Saturn, but nobody is free to think logically. Anyone caught yelling "loony" at anyone claiming that Planet Earth was built by a swarm of wasps will be...locked in a room full of wasps.

The War On Anyone Who Thinks These Wars Are A Bad Idea - just in case anyone disagrees with what we are doing. We can't have that. Oh no.

The War On Lies - Everyone knows that lying is bad, and those who say they think lying is good are lying (these people will automatically be shot*)

*white lies will involve bullets made of cheese, to avoid Death or Screaming Because Of Painful Bleeding Leg

The War On Conspiracy Theories - all conspiracy theories must be destroyed, apart from any conspiracy theories suggesting that all conspiracy theories were invented by the Government(s) just to confuse everyone. Confused? I certainly am!*

The War On Bad Weather – all bad weather will be destroyed - With nuclear weapons! At once! Do it now! PRESS THE BIG RED BUTTON!

The War On Silliness, Nonsense and Absurd Humour - anyone found guilty of acting daft or silly will be punished by being flung by a giant catapult into a giant bowl of custard. Everyone will laugh at them, and they will feel very foolish. For anyone whom this punishment doesn't have the satisfactory result upon*, they will be forced to shabber wobby dibby doo ploppy doppy moo moo moo wagga wagga pattong-splosh! And that's my final answer!

*I really struggled with that sentence. Can you tell?

The War On American Versions of Word Spellings – Anyone found writing “color” instead of “colour”, “humor” instead of “humour”, or “jelly” instead of “jam” will be penalised (with an “s”).

The War On Swearing - anyone who disagrees with this one can just FUCK OFF!

The War On Political Incorrectness - anyone who thinks this war is a bad idea is clearly stupid. Sorry, let me rephrase that. Not stupid as such, that would unfair. Just err...cognitively developmentally…err…on their own schedule. Not quite playing with a full deck - but that's okay! That's what makes you so special! Your mummy* loves you! And so does Jesus! Or any other religious figure you choose to err...imagine, no not imagine...err...No, wait, hang on, I'm getting two different wars confused here...

*I'm not American

The War On All Other Bad Things Apart From War (must keep war itself separate from this because the War On War must be the final war, otherwise none of this will make any sense, do you understand?*). This war will be one last final war before the real final war to end all wars. Any bad things left after all the previous wars will automatically be destroyed, including moldy food, grumpy shop workers, vaginal thrush, bowel incontinence, eczema, bad hair days, and many other things...

*If you don’t, that’s okay, just pretend you do and keep reading anyway**.

**Why do I keep writing all these footnote-style comments?***

***I don’t know****

****This is getting messy with all these asterisks*****

*****Yes it is!******

******Who said that?*******

*******I’ve no idea, I thought it was just the two of us in here.

Anyway…

Then will come…the final war...

The War On War!
This will be the war to end all wars, quite literally (yes, the clue is in the title). EVERYTHING and EVERYONE war-related will be destroyed with force and big guns, and then those items of force will be destroyed so that no more war can ever happen ever again. We're not yet sure how we will destroy these instruments of destruction, but we will surely think of something. And then, once that's done, we have one final trick up our sleeves...

The Erasure of All Bad Memories
(Don't confuse this with the band Erasure - it's just a word, okay?*)
Strictly speaking, this isn't a war, so it is allowed to happen after all war has been destroyed. What we will do is travel the whole planet injecting people’s brains with a drug which deletes all memories of all bad things.

*Okay**

**Shut up! Look, this is my piece! Go away!

Once this has happened, we will reach The Final State, also known as...

BLISS UTOPIA HAPPINESS CONTENTMENT LOVE HAPPINESS TYPE THING

This will be a Planet Earth filled with everyone skipping gaily through fields of long grass, always holding hands and hugging each other and saying things like, "Oh Margaret, you look so pretty in that dress!" and nobody will ever need to lie in order to say these things, no, because everyone will automatically be beautiful and everyone will automatically be happy and delighted to see everyone else, because all bad things will have been previously destroyed, including ugly people, bad moods, excessive farting, and body odor.

Every day will be sunny, everyone will be happy, nobody will be overweight or ill or underweight or get HIV. Nobody will ever get ill, and nobody will ever die, and everyone will live forever and be happy the whole time. Sex will disappear, because it will no longer be needed as no new people will need to be born because all the existing people will be living forever (and remain looking 21 forever). However, it must be noted that sex will still exist for a short while, in order to repopulate the planet after destroying all the bad people. But once this goal has been achieved (a figure is yet to be decided upon), sex will fade out and instead people will begin to feel a constant ongoing orgasm that fills their entire body and radiates out into the whole universe, subsequently turning Space a pleasant shade of purple.

This is the ultimate goal of the human race, and it can only be achieved with bombs and tanks and machine guns and (if necessary) karate.

Random Bits That Aren’t Actually Relevant To This Piece But I Put Here Anyway

Hey, imagine if space was purple. Go one imagine it.

Do your favourite dance, in a field, to a crowd of 6 people all forced to sit on 50-foot high chairs. Cover yourself in custard, and then get hosed down by a man in a chicken costume. Why? Why not? Why do you wake up in the morning and breathe? Exactly. I think I’ve made my point.

There’s no more here for you to read. Go away.

Listen, I told you to go away, alright?!
The next bit isn’t meant to be read.

Bah bah black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags somewhere in the barn, I’ll just go get them.

Smelly cat, smelly cat,
What are they feeding you?
Marmite.

Ooh, Mr Yellow Face
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!

Ooh, Mr Yellow Face
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!
Give me your banana!

Squiggle, piggle, diggle, miggle, shpliggle, tiggle.

Blah blah wah yaa mad cat fat chav bum trousers.

There is a man and he is running from the law.

Big tower in the woods and man dressed as a nonsense factory worker who speaks like a daydream “I do feel grey buildings grey old builds lost in some other time something feel like I don't know woods and forests and nobody ever speaks these days. Seems like a long way to make a difference…”

Wasted land behind the houses.

“I don’t want to feel.”

“Maybe there is an attic.”

“I feel like plastic.”

The House With The Big Eye

2009-09-01T20:31:00.001+01:00

Click here for full size version.

Somewhere Along The Line

2009-09-01T20:14:00.001+01:00

http://authspot.com/poetry/somewhere-along-the-line/

Trampoline Bouncing With Uncle Bertie

2009-08-28T18:43:00.001+01:00

Hello!

Introducing a new improvised comedy series I'm making with my friend Lee...

Trampoline Bouncing With Uncle Bertie

Episode 1 - Underpants Man

:-D

Marcus.

Last Weekend When It Rained

2009-07-26T19:55:00.005+01:00

Okay, it's time for some more of my highlight poetry. Three pieces from the 19th and 20th of July. They kind of go together, but third one is silly though.

Click here for full size image

Click here for full size image

Click here for full size image

More Highlight Poetry

2009-07-23T18:45:00.004+01:00

Okay, here's the two pieces of highlight poetry I made on 15th and 18th July.

Click here to see full size

Click here to see full size

Highlight Petry - Following on from Yesterday

2009-07-22T17:49:00.005+01:00

These two follow on from the one I posted yesterday. They work better together I think. I wanted to upload them yesterday, but I felt the day was running out and I went for a walk on the hill instead.

Click here to see full size.

By the way, in case you're wondering why I make these things, the answer is: because I really enjoy it. Ultimately it really is that simple.

But to dig deeper into it, I find it theraputic to do the free-writing. Then the next bit is like a fun word search, trying to extract something from it. So I suppose there is an interaction between the subconscious and the conscious.

But I'm not particularly trying to make any kind of artistic statement, and there's no big plan involved. It is totally open-ended and free, and that's what makes it exciting and fun for me.

If you find it interesting, then that's a bonus. If you think it's rubbish, then that's fine too. I'm just having fun playing around with words, and that's all it is really...

A New Wave of Highlight Poetry

2009-07-21T19:54:00.004+01:00

Okay, ladies and gentlemen (and any transgendered people), I've been getting back into my Highlight Poetry. You will notice though that this time I have shaded over the other words using a pencil. This is because I want to make it as much of a non-computer process as possible. There is another different too though, but I'll let you spot that for yourself...

Click the image for a larger version. If you can't see any image then click here to see it.

My Music - Night Sky Flight

2009-07-19T09:35:00.001+01:00

I've decided to offer some of my music as MP3 file downloads, for anyone who wants to have a listen.

First off, I present to you the Night Sky Flight trilogy, which I made in 2003 (err, I think):

Night Sky Flight 1

Night Sky Flight 2

Night Sky Flight 3

:-)

Marcus.

Do schools kill creativity?

2009-07-16T18:27:00.001+01:00

A very interesting lecture about how education is stifling creativity:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY
(20 mins long)

Thinking Traps

2009-06-29T16:44:00.001+01:00

Here's an interesting article about how our minds work:

http://litemind.com/thinking-traps/

Annie Are You Okay?

2009-06-29T16:29:00.001+01:00

Well, when all is said and done, you have to admit, he could cetainly
bust a move back in his day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex30DYwQlHU

Michael Jackson is Dead

2009-06-26T10:10:00.001+01:00

I can't believe it! Michael Jackson is dead!

My dad told me this morning (I don't watch the news, for fear of being
brainwashed by the Illuminati) and I was totally gobsmacked!

I think they should still do the tour, with a robot version. Actually,
that's probably what they were doing anyway.

Marcus.

Friday Film Special

2009-06-17T19:11:00.001+01:00

I remember, when I was a kid,
perhaps 7*, I don't know,
our local library showed a film on Fridays,
on a projector
in the corner of the the room.

They were always 70's films,
Cheap budget British ones, with bad music.
There was always a young boy in flared jeans
being chased round a warehouse by bad men.

Russell was there with his brother,
both with their lunch boxes,
because they were coming to my house afterwards.

But you don't know them,
so never mind...

* it could have been 6 or 8, or maybe even 5. I really can't remember.

Don't Try Too Hard

2009-06-17T11:44:00.001+01:00

Don't try too hard

to stick up for yourself.
The world is full

of disasters

created by people
sticking up for what they believed in,

convinced they were right,
convinced they held the
ultimate truth;

or at least
determined, at all costs
to defend their opinions,
their ideas, their own version
of the make-believe fairy-tale
we all take part in;

but at the end of the day
they are only thoughts;

just thoughts,
that keep them distracted from life.

Does it hurt so much
to be wrong?

Is it really worth it to be right?
Because,
don't you see,
it all blows over
eventually, anyway;

none of it matters in the end;
none of your opinions will survive
to the bitter end;

there will always be something else
to replace them, something bigger,
better, "more important";

and that too
will eventually disolve.

There will always be someone to disagree with,
if you really want to disagree.

There will always be someone to fight against,
if you really want to fight.

You can always find someone to prove wrong,
someone who hasn't thought it all though
quite as well as you have,

because:

maybe, while you were busy building it all up,
thinking it all through really well,
hardening all your opinions
into concrete,

maybe they were just busy
getting on with life

and being happy

in their own way.

Vitamin C Therapy

2009-06-10T08:15:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I was planning to do some exercise in the evening. It was a choice between either an evening walk with my walking group, or an hour of swimming at my local swimming pool. I couldn't quite decide. However, my body decided for me...

As the day went on, I began to notice that I was starting to feel ever-so-slightly tired and achey. I thought it felt like the beginning of a virus, so I remembered what nutritionist Patrick Holford says. He says that if, on the very first sign of a virus, you start consuming HUGE amounts of Vitamin C, you can saturate your body's cells with Vitamin C to the point where the virus cannot possibly survive. By the way, unlike some vitamins (such as Vitamin A and Vitamin B6, which are toxic in high doses - although much higher than the RDA, it should be noted), Vitamin C is actually one of the LEAST toxic substances for the body. You can safely consume very large amounts, and the only likely side effect is that it can cause loose bowels in some sensitive individuals.

So I took a high strength tablet of vitamin C (1000mg), and also drank a whole pint of fresh juice (made from carrots, pears, apple, spinach and ginger). I then had some food (lentils), and took some more Vitamin C. I was starting to feel cold and shaky, so I put my dressing gown over my clothes, and got my duvet, and settled down on the sofa for an evening watching TV (including a particularly exciting episode of the X-Files, and a funny program about how Sundays in Britain used to be really boring, narrated by comedian Sean Lock).

About every 15 to 30 minutes I took another high strength Vitamin C tablet. It was about 10:30 by the time I finally made my way to bed (which is quite late for me), because I got into that ironic situation where I felt too tired to get up and go to bed.

Eventually I forced myself, and consumed 4 more high strength Vitamin C tablets as I went to bed. I then lay in bed in my full clothes + dressing gown + duvet, swetting as I had really strange dreams.

But I woke up this morning feeling a LOT better. The only achey feeling is in my back, and I think that might be due to the intense Yoga postures I was doing a couple of days ago.

This is great though, because I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't have had all that Vitamin C then it could have lasted a few days, as these kinds of achey viruses often do. In this case, it lasted less than 24 hours. With the help of the huge amount of Vitamin C, my body was able to heal itself literally over night!

I think the key here is in taking the Vitamin C at the VERY FIRST SIGN of any symptoms at all. If you wait until you have full-blown symptoms then it is too late, because by then the virus has taken full hold of your system.

I just thought that was worth sharing, because I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would be still lying in bed today feeling like shit. Whereas now I feel well enough to crack on and get some things done that I want to do.

Day Haiku

2009-06-09T14:48:00.001+01:00

The day. The day. The
big sky day, full of clouds and
buildings, fields and sun.

War Haiku

2009-06-09T14:45:00.001+01:00

Are wars just nature's
twisted way of controlling
the population?

Earth Haiku

2009-06-09T14:43:00.001+01:00

It's not the planet
we have to save, but ourselves.
Earth's tougher than us.

Stupid Haiku

2009-06-09T13:13:00.000+01:00

This haiku is crap.
It doesn't say anything
and there are WAY too many syllables in the last line.

Haiku

2009-06-09T13:11:00.000+01:00

Smiling in the sun,
she wore a red T-shirt and
looked like Katie Price.

Haiku

2009-06-09T13:10:00.000+01:00

Sunny intervals:
I never know where I am,
but that's half the fun.

A Story About All Kinds of Things & Which Doesn't Make Any Sense At All

2009-06-08T17:17:00.001+01:00

One day I was walking through the woods when I saw a man with fifteen ears. I shouted at him, and he danced, and then a big triangle appeared and melted into the sky. Then a man on a bike rode past and I kicked him off the bike and stole his bike and rode all the way to Liverpool. The only problem was, I didn't make it quite all the way to Liverpool, I only made it three quarters of all the way to Liverpool, because the front tire burst when I was in Stoke-on-Trent, which is where Robbie Williams is from.

In Stoke-on-Trent there was a Giant Catapult Factory, and I smashed a window and stole a giant catapult. I paid a man £10 to assist me in setting up the giant catapult, and then I was catapulted the rest of the way to Liverpool and landed in the River Mersey ----> AARRGGHH! - there was a boat coming towards me! I swam really fast and managed to get out of the way, but lots of water got in my lungs and I coughed a lot.

I climbed out of the water, and a man called Timothy was eating a sandwhich. Then I borrowed a man's skateboard and skateboarded all the way up into the sky where there was a secret hidden Sky Hole through which I travelled and landed in the dream of woman called Elizabeth Gertrude Murzleweemytooble Mary George Thomas Florence Nightingale Trousers Deborah Judy Judy Judy Judy McJudyface.

I emerged from her dream via her eyes, and said to her, "What is your name?" and she told me what it was and I said, "Wow, that's a lot of names you've got there, are you Royalty or something?" and she said, "No, my parents were insane and on drugs and obsessed with being indecisive."

Then a man with really long legs (so long that he was taller than a house) walked past and ate a strawberry which was so big that the Indian Ocean was far away and not even worth thinking about really. Then another man, who was so short that he was underground, walked past unnoticed by all the people with big eyes who had just eaten a big yoghurt together.

Then I kissed Elizabeth Gertrude Murzleweemytooble Mary George Thomas Florence Nightingale Trousers Deborah Judy Judy Judy Judy McJudyface on the elbow and wiped snot on her face. "Hey, you evil man!" she said, so I danced a funky dance and she laughed and everything was okay again.

But then - OH NO! - suddenly something very sudden happened! What was it? I don't know! It happened far too suddenly for me to know what it was. But I knew that it happened because it happened only just slowly enough for the part of my brain which knows that something has happened but doesn't know what it is to realise that something happened too fast for the part of my brain that fully understands what something is once the other part of my brain (the one I just mentioned) has realised that something has happened to understand what it was that happened. But then the part of my brain responsible for wondering whether something did really happen (The Doubt Cortex?) said to the other two parts of my brain, "Hey you guys, did something really happen?" At which point The Something Just Happened Cortex (?) said, "Yes, something did definately just happen, but I'm not entirely sure what it was," and The Understanding What Happened Cortex (¿) said, "..................................."

But then the sudden thing happened again, but slightly less suddenly this time, and all parts of my brain fully comprehended what it was. It was a giraffe on rollerblades with a rocket pack. I waved at him and said "Hello!" but he didn't say anything, presumably because he didn't speak English and only spoke Giraffian.

I reached into my pocket for my Giraffian phrase book (which I always carry with me just in case I need to speak to a giraffe who is rude and arrogant enough to come all the way to England and not learn a single word of Englandish) and looked up the phrase for "Your mother wipes the bottoms of midgets who walk on stilts" and shouted it at him as he rollerbladed away.

Suddenly (but not too suddenly!) he turned around and rollerbladified back towards me with a look on his face which said "I hate you, and wish you would melt into the ground!"

I was quite offended, and did some karate on his face.

Then the InsaneShoutyMan came running past being chased by the GrinnyFacedMan who was in turn being chased by the LoonyBumBumGirl who was being chased by the DumBreath SpazCockMan who was being chased by another giraffe on rollerblades on the end of stilts - very tall! Bigger than a very very tall tree or a 5 storey house or something like that, I don't know. What the hell.

What the hell? Yes, what the hell.

The End.

Now go away and shut up.

Diversity - Winner of Britain's Got Talent

2009-06-01T16:14:00.001+01:00

For anyone that didn't catch Britain's Got Talent, you missed Diversity,
probably the world's greatest dance act.

Diversity's first performance on Britain's Got Talent:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPcGy77Gru8

Diversity's performance in the Semi-final:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pg3fvanDDc

The performance in the final, that secured them the number one spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJIz8BgRQc0

Intense, Emotional Music from M83

2009-05-16T16:30:00.002+01:00

Following on from my previous post...alternatively, if you're after
something less dancy, but still just as emotionally intense, check out
the French band M83. Well, actually it's one French musician guy who has
recently hired an American female singer for his most recent album.

Anyway, here's some of my favourite songs...

Skin of Night:

Too Late:

This is the first M83 song I heard, when it recently came on LastFM

Kim & Jesse:

We Own the Sky:

(fan-made video)

Interview - M83 talking about their latest album:

Uplifting, Danceable Electronic Music from Code 64

2009-05-16T16:07:00.002+01:00

If you're into uplifting, danceable electronic music with feeling, check
out the song Starchaser by Swedish band Code 64:

I've been a fan of this band for a couple of years now, and this song in
particular. Whenever it comes on LastFM I always turn it up really loud.

If you like that, you might also like these songs too:

Guardian:

Every Moment:

Sea of Stars:

Another similar band, also from Sweden, and also their name beginning
with a C, is Colony 5, although they've recorded more albums, and their
songs have a tendency to be slightly darker in nature than Code 64.

Fusion:

Phosphor:

Free Verse

2009-05-13T22:34:00.002+01:00

Free verse:
Walking the fine line
between poetry
and just shoving words on a page.

Helping James Move House

2009-05-13T22:34:00.000+01:00

Why are you doing that? she said.
You're stupid.
You're too slow.
You're doing it all wrong.

She's the boss, I said.
I know, he said.
But only because she spends more time at home than I do.

I'm so glad I don't have a boss, I thought.
I want a slave instead...

You're like me, he said.
We're slow, because we think too much.

I didn't say anything.
I was too busy thinking about what he'd just said.

Darren, Graham & Bernie

2009-05-13T22:33:00.001+01:00

They're all bastards, they said.
Everyone is bastards, they said.
We hate everyone.
Everyone is rubbish except us.

It's a good job I don't take them too seriously,
I tell you, you've got to laugh.

We need some women, they said.

Yes, I said.
We'll have have to go and find some,
put them all in a lorry,
take them out to the middle of nowhere
and then rape them*.

I tell you,
it's a good job they know not to take me too seriously as well.
I mean,
you can't just go saying these kinds of
ridiculously absurd
things
to just anyone.

...

Important Note:
* I'm not a rapist. I just thought I should make that clear.

Dara O'Brien

2009-05-11T16:21:00.000+01:00

Dara O'Brien, funny Irish man.

Kevin the Dragon

2009-05-07T19:52:00.000+01:00

A disabled (yet gifted) dragon called Kevin, who was unable to breathe
fire but had laser eyes (which were also able to see through things, but
sometimes this superpower worked so well that he saw through the entire
universe but was unable to adequately describe in words what he saw out
the other side - and yes, he was a talking dragon, so he wasn't all that
disabled really, not when you consider what some people have to put up
with in this life, for example having one leg almost twice the length of
the other one, or being joined to your twin by your genitals) woke up to
the sound of his mum singing Happy Birthday to him. She had bought him a
new pair of stilts for his birthday. Bright purple ones, all shiny and
new, fresh from the stilt shop on the corner ("The Corner Shiny Stilt
Store - All The Best Stilts In Town - You Won't Find Stilts Cheaper
Anywhere Within a 5 Mile Radius, No, Not Even If You Go Down Into The
Caves Where The Evil Weird Men Sell Stolen Stilts Cheap - Please Don't
Go To Those Evil Men, Buy Your Stilts From Us Instead").

"GASP!" he gasped, as he got out of bed and stretched the biggest
stretch he had ever stretched, and looked out the window at the sunny
sunshine that filled the beautiful green garden with bright sunny
shinyness, even brighter than the big bright dream he'd just had, in
which he dreamed he was flying so far above the clouds that he was
nearly in space or in Heaven if that's what you choose to believe if
you're completely insane unlike Kevin who was saner than a wardrobe, and
that's really saying something because when did you last hear a wardrobe
saying that he heard God speaking to him?!

"GASP!" gasped Kevin's mum, so utterly ShockyVoiced at just how
HappyFaced Kevin was at the sight of his new stilts.

But then suddenly (with no delay whatsoever) in walked the DumbBreath
SpazCockMan and the LoonyBumBumGirl, who decided to paint the ceiling a
new colour that had never been seen before, not even on television or in
Africa or New Zealand or on Mars. Suddenly everyone gasped, causing the
oxygen level in the room to suddenly drop, and they all fainted,
collapsing to the floor like as if they had been shot in the face, but
the vibration caused by them all landing on the floor all at the same
time caused the window to break because you must remember Kevin is a
dragon and when one of those falls over is really shakes the house quite
a lot yes.

Anyway, this then meant that suddenly there was fresh air again, so they
all woke up, all ShockyFaced and OhMyGoshMouth and FreakyStareyEyes,
LookAroundTheRoomyFace, WhoAreYouI'veNeverSeenYouBeforeVoice,
IDon'tKnowIJustFollowedHimVoice, IDon'tWhat'sGoingOnShruggyShoulders,
and all the rest of it.

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed the InsaneShoutyMan as he smashed through the
window, sending glass everywhere. Suddenly they all jumped to their feet
and hit him with karate. Chop Waa Kick Hai Yaa!! (this is how karate
sounds); but the InsaneShoutyMan shouted so loud that their eardrums
burst and then the house fell down and they all died.

The End.

Probably.

Unless they magically come back to life.

It's only words, I can do whatever I want.

Even this: Oooh waaa Kentucky Fried elbows in cheese.

See? You can't stop me. Nobody can!

The Ever Changing Sky

2009-05-07T19:44:00.001+01:00

Every day
Eventually fades away
Into nothingness, an abyss,
An absence of time.

New days get born from nothing
Old days get remembered,
Distorted and half made up.

Life, the way we think of it, doesn't really exist.
Life, the way we think of it, doesn't really exist,

Except
In our minds.

Life, the way we are taught to strive for it,
Running after it, like the most beautiful white fluffy clouds
You've ever dreamed,
Being blown towards an almost infinite horizon
By a gale, all part of the same storm
That brings the lightning
That kills trees on remote hilltops,
Leaving…those dead trees,
Forever haunting the landscape, frozen in time…

And
This storm
Is the same storm
That, when gone, leaves the air clean,
The sun shining and the distant view so clear, that everything
Everything
Makes sense once again

Once the storm has
Finally
Passed,

Leaving in its place,
The blue sky
That was always there
Somehow
Hidden.

Death of a Poet

2009-05-07T19:39:00.001+01:00

My town's most famous poet, U A Fanthorpe, recently died, leaving behind her distraught lesbian partner. I remember a short while back, our local newspaper published a poem she wrote all about how much she loved our town, how much she loved the hills and everything. It was written as if she was talking about a woman she was in love with, which is a nice approach to it. It was beautifully written.

Wikipedia - U A Fanthorpe
The Poetry Archive - U A Fanthorpe

Anyway...

I was out for a midday walk down by the stream today (with my notepad, in case I got inspired), when I saw UAF's partner Rosie. She has short white hair, glasses, and I've never once seen here wear a skirt (but then saying that, I myself have never worn a skirt either). She didn't see me. She doesn't know who I am. I hope she's okay though.

For some reason I imagined that Rosie often goes for walks to write poems. And then I realised - I'm assuming that they were both poets. I've always had this image in my mind of two lesbian poets living together, in an old house full of old books, going out for long walks together and writing poems. But no, Rosie is not a poet at all.

I wish I was a lesbian poet.

The Drug War

2009-05-07T18:05:00.002+01:00

Interesting video clip about the drug war: