One day I was walking through the woods when I saw a man with fifteen ears. I shouted at him, and he danced, and then a big triangle appeared and melted into the sky. Then a man on a bike rode past and I kicked him off the bike and stole his bike and rode all the way to Liverpool. The only problem was, I didn't make it quite all the way to Liverpool, I only made it three quarters of all the way to Liverpool, because the front tire burst when I was in Stoke-on-Trent, which is where Robbie Williams is from.
In Stoke-on-Trent there was a Giant Catapult Factory, and I smashed a window and stole a giant catapult. I paid a man £10 to assist me in setting up the giant catapult, and then I was catapulted the rest of the way to Liverpool and landed in the River Mersey ----> AARRGGHH! - there was a boat coming towards me! I swam really fast and managed to get out of the way, but lots of water got in my lungs and I coughed a lot.
I climbed out of the water, and a man called Timothy was eating a sandwhich. Then I borrowed a man's skateboard and skateboarded all the way up into the sky where there was a secret hidden Sky Hole through which I travelled and landed in the dream of woman called Elizabeth Gertrude Murzleweemytooble Mary George Thomas Florence Nightingale Trousers Deborah Judy Judy Judy Judy McJudyface.
I emerged from her dream via her eyes, and said to her, "What is your name?" and she told me what it was and I said, "Wow, that's a lot of names you've got there, are you Royalty or something?" and she said, "No, my parents were insane and on drugs and obsessed with being indecisive."
Then a man with really long legs (so long that he was taller than a house) walked past and ate a strawberry which was so big that the Indian Ocean was far away and not even worth thinking about really. Then another man, who was so short that he was underground, walked past unnoticed by all the people with big eyes who had just eaten a big yoghurt together.
Then I kissed Elizabeth Gertrude Murzleweemytooble Mary George Thomas Florence Nightingale Trousers Deborah Judy Judy Judy Judy McJudyface on the elbow and wiped snot on her face. "Hey, you evil man!" she said, so I danced a funky dance and she laughed and everything was okay again.
But then - OH NO! - suddenly something very sudden happened! What was it? I don't know! It happened far too suddenly for me to know what it was. But I knew that it happened because it happened only just slowly enough for the part of my brain which knows that something has happened but doesn't know what it is
to realise that something happened too fast for the part of my brain that fully understands what something is once the other part of my brain (the one I just mentioned) has realised that something has happened
to understand what it was that happened. But then the part of my brain responsible for wondering whether something did really happen
(The Doubt Cortex?) said to the other two parts of my brain, "Hey you guys, did something really happen?" At which point The Something Just Happened Cortex (?) said, "Yes, something did definately just happen, but I'm not entirely sure what it was," and The Understanding What Happened Cortex (¿) said, "..................................."
But then the sudden thing happened again, but slightly less suddenly this time, and all parts of my brain fully comprehended what it was. It was a giraffe on rollerblades with a rocket pack. I waved at him and said "Hello!" but he didn't say anything, presumably because he didn't speak English and only spoke Giraffian.
I reached into my pocket for my Giraffian phrase book (which I always carry with me just in case I need to speak to a giraffe who is rude and arrogant enough to come all the way to England and not learn a single word of Englandish) and looked up the phrase for "Your mother wipes the bottoms of midgets who walk on stilts" and shouted it at him as he rollerbladed away.
Suddenly (but not too suddenly!) he turned around and rollerbladified back towards me with a look on his face which said "I hate you, and wish you would melt into the ground!"
I was quite offended, and did some karate on his face.
Then the InsaneShoutyMan came running past being chased by the GrinnyFacedMan who was in turn being chased by the LoonyBumBumGirl who was being chased by the DumBreath SpazCockMan who was being chased by another giraffe on rollerblades on the end of stilts - very tall! Bigger than a very very tall tree or a 5 storey house or something like that, I don't know. What the hell.
What the hell? Yes, what the hell.
Now go away and shut up.